Butterfly Takes Off

Long day

2011-09-25T02:08:00.002+08:00

Went to the city... Saw coursemate, let's just call her Cy. I saw her hugging a blonde guy and I guess she was dating him. At that instant, I got transported back straight to the awkward encounter with the guy from SA.

Ugh. Never again.

I also see people of all walks of life around in the city, each with someone special close to savour the moment with.

And then it hit me. That feeling of being lonely. Alone.

Maybe it's Nottingham city. I didn't feel so in London at all.

Ugh.

No more trips to the city anymore for me.

Another iota to my writing

2011-09-22T17:39:00.006+08:00

And so it begins. Again. Back in campus before term officially starts and instantly the pool of emotions are brought back to life. Well, not really but memory has its power kick sometimes.

Perhaps you would wonder why would I bother writing on and then off again every now and then. Like some kind of cockroach which just wouldn't give that one last breath after being squashed, drowned, humiliated, hated, ridiculed and die. Or quit. Or give up.

Truth is (brace yourselves, people)....I don't know.

What I do know is I love writing, translating emotions into words with a dash of humour. What? Life can't afford to be that serious, you know? Also what I do know is that my vocabulary and writing capability is also very much limited which explains why am I not writing on an editor's desk instead. So what do you do when you got ample time and lots of ideas running around in your head? A blog, why of course! Genius.

Right.

2 hits per month. Or year? Not to mention I contribute to the hit count too. Can't afford to look bad, you know.

Oops cat out of the bag. And nothing feels any worse than the wave of shame crashing down after admitting to your dirtiest, darkest secret ever.

I'm just gonna bury my head down in the soil like an ostrich now. Forever.

Aftermath

2011-05-30T22:37:00.002+08:00

Exam's over. The rush, adrenaline, chase is gone. Finally the time has come to allow things to sink through my mind.

The storm has now subsided, what's left behind is just...heaps of debris. Nothing survived through, all that you worked for is just well, ruins. I have a lot to tell. In fact it would exorcise a thousand demons inside me. The truth is I've been feeling all sorts of emotions at once...anguish, peace, discontentment, joy. All I know for sure is I'm lost but I don't intend to be found.

why

2011-04-25T15:44:00.003+08:00

No one would ever thought it would turn out this way. If I could turn the clock back...I wish I could.

I took him for granted. And even though it wasn't anyone's fault, looking back the way the path had twisted into...I can say it was all my fault. If only, if only.

All I can say is...it's over.

Butterfly Takes Off: is it too late to remind how we were

2011-04-22T08:32:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSdELZxEnHY&feature=share

is it too late to remind how we were

2011-04-22T08:30:00.002+08:00

sadly...we're really going downhill and I lost my strength to pull us back up anymore.

Life has many surprising turns

2011-04-20T06:36:00.002+08:00

Story of my life. Met a nice orang putih on train. He seemed really interested...even asked me out for coffee. Syok right? After that it's as though I'm a plaque. Must have screwed up somewhere. Fine, it's just a train ride and we're from different places. Apalah. Better if I have not known him at all. How confusing.

Anyway, all along I've stayed devoted and loyal to my boyfriend. However this time there was a temptation to pursue further especially with all the turbulence and turmoil. However after giving another thought, perhaps it was after all the thrill of being wanted and the possibility of escaping my life and start afresh again.

Funny how minds can change so quickly. Just a moment ago I was determined to find my yahkid and now I'm so heavily distracted. Such fragile is the human mind. This time I would like to start right, fix my life rather than abandoning and escape from it. Time to turn my life around.

Finding My Yahkid

2011-04-17T06:28:00.002+08:00

True...the last few days were rough and turbulent. In those moments when you are not ready to listen to advice, actually those are the time you needed the most. Came across to a podcast by a pastor and it gave a lot of fresh insight to my relationship.

Of course I can't blindly make a decision based on a guy speaking but slowly I can see the direction of path going towards. For now, rather than focusing or fantasizing the ideal of the relationship I should focus on being independent or a wholesome person. Perhaps the mistake was viewing my partner as the other half to fulfil my lack in my life but the truth was being with a partner is not about finding someone to fill our needs. So before committing 100% to this relationship, the wisest choice is to allow the dough to set before baking it. Right now, I would want to look for my yahkid. In greek it means to be wholesome as an individual and find my footing in this world as an individual.

And the part of looking for a suitable partner? Perhaps one day soon I'll be able to decide the best. Let's not rush into a decision, we'll see and time shall tell. =)

can u hear me

2011-04-11T02:17:00.008+08:00

The only place I can say my thoughts without worrying the possibility of hurting anyone's feelings. Or hearing. So here goes.

This whole long distance relationship thing. All I ever need is to hold on til we meet again. Reset button. In fact a lot like an aspirin after a long headache. Honestly, I don't know how long will I be able to hold on. Either way everyone's going to get hurt. Either way healing is necessary. Lately there's been too much of this.

I wish you could hear the voice deep in me. I love you but why do I feel like I'm drowning? I can't imagine my life without you but why does being with you suffocates? I'm tired of deciding what to do...this time can you decide instead?

Record of my life

2011-04-03T04:07:00.003+08:00

Just cried. I just want to say lately I feel like really drowning in this relationship. After all these years it felt like talking to a stranger. Opinions oppose. Views that you can't share. And it's really easier to just cry alone than to struggle to work it out.

Writing again?

2011-03-28T00:15:00.002+08:00

I remembered the last time I screamed that way to a guy was actually to my ex. At that point I decided there was no need to try salvage the sinking relationship.

Never would I thought that today I would be doing the same, screaming just as loud. And I really don't know what my next step should be...because the last time I did the same I already cut off the previous relationship. Honestly sometimes it's so much easier, shut it down and not think of it. Done.

In fact, haha it's so much cleaner if I slip away this time- he's from another state, we won't get to meet and seriously, what are the odds of bumping into him in the streets? Simple and easy.

Jokes aside, I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Maybe the tide will come down again. Or maybe the dam will start to show some cracks and eventually blow off.

Or maybe the tide will come down again.

ice cream

2011-03-25T03:06:00.002+08:00

three ice cream cones for three days consecutively. i think i gotta stop. its expensive come to think of it. and i might lau sai soon.

sunny day today.

mayday

2011-03-23T22:16:00.003+08:00

I don't know if anyone ever reads this blog again. Well, it does feel good sometimes reading back old memories...reading those posts really take you back down memory lane as if you relive those moments again.

I don't really know how to tell this to anyone; all along there's a constant reminder in my head that I am actually not truly happy. With results showing crap, heavy workload sometimes I really don't know where to vent it all out. All this while I really wish I could go back home and shut the world behind me, not hear a thing. Sit back and actually BREATHE.

This time I feel that this is hard-cold reality in my face rather than an episode of drama. Wish I can just be honest and say "I'm not really ok...can you give me a hug?" I've been burying this feeling deep down and I just hope I can suppress it down til the storm gets over.

too late.

2010-03-21T04:33:00.003+08:00

When the world compliments on you yet your heart goes out to that one

When he happens to be the only one who don't get to see that

You just have no choice other than to suck it up and you go on to try to fill the gap that can never be filled.

And time? Always the factor which widens the gap into an inconsolable ocean.

Berdikari = Berdiri di kaki sendiri.

2010-03-07T13:14:00.003+08:00

Lightnings do strike. Not just once, twice but thrice.

Three strikes is a wake up call: enough,that's it, I'm done. I'm learning to stand on my own two feet.

Day 1 starts from here.

Learning to hold on.

2010-02-08T02:01:00.004+08:00

Seriously you want to know how my life is turning out? Sucked big time.

In movies you would hear adults showing their emo scars they got from high school: how mean those girls were and probably still are, what it felt to be labeled as a freak, yada yada yada and today they are just perfectly normal in a better place.

Fast forward to my so-called adult life, it's a far cry from anything near this hierarchy thingy. Except there are no queen bees and some rugby player; just queens. Or divas.

Looking back, I don't recall my high school being anywhere near that difficult. They don't isolate you simply because they believe you are trying to steal their friends (no, I do not know how on earth that idea came about) nor do they play some dumb cold war simply because you made a decision based on logic and they believed you take sides. Next thing you know, every single memo you send out will translate into either stony silence or some you're-taking-sides-rant.

Or when you realised that you might not that likable by someone it does not equal to hate or loath. It's just I'm keeping a distance to avoid unnecessary friction. Why is it so important for everyone to love you? We like you enough, let's just stick to that.

DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA. If only there's Best Reality Show Storyline in Oscars. At least there's some consolation in it. It takes another pain to forget another I guess. Those wounds I got in college are simply...preliminary to this huge giant black hole.

Or maybe because I am learning to live life in balance; that my degree is not only my ultimate goal. I have a relationship to care of, with a very great guy which I do not ever want to lose because I didn't do enough of my part. I have family. And not to forget I want to pick up on knowing more of God. It simply does not mean I don't care to study. It simply means I don't want to lose other beautiful things in my life for one single goal. That's not sacrifice or compromise...that is simply taking things for granted. And for what? Recognition that probably costs more pain than its supposedly fulfilling reward.

Left right fun time.

2010-01-11T18:16:00.003+08:00

Speak = not right. Don't speak = not right.

Write = not right. Not write = not right.

Sing = not right. Silent = not right.

Soft = not right. Loud = not right.

Since nothing is right, all that's left is....left.

cool..I don't suppose my English teacher's gonna be proud with this piece of crap writing though..

I hate it.

2010-01-11T01:19:00.003+08:00

I hate it when someone who usually expect others to have high EQ is somehow incapable of to care a tiny wee bit for others' feelings.

Hello. As if my life is easy compared to yours. As if I have no stress like you do. As though I did something to make your life this miserable.

Geez

STRESSED

2010-01-07T00:02:00.001+08:00

When force is applied, it withstands. When the force exceeds the limits, it breaks.

I'm a glass.

I wish I'm not.

Auld Lang Syne

2009-12-31T22:15:00.003+08:00

Happy New Year to all~

Sigh. Sadly I shall be celebrating alone~

So if you got the company of your loved ones with you, do remember how lucky you are to walk through those moments that comes only once in your life.

At least I have 2009 with me~ Not for long though.

Happy New Year!!!!

An thers a han, my trustee feer!
an gees a han o thyn!
And we’ll tak a richt gude-willie-waucht,
fir ald lang syn.

Again...

2009-12-27T22:21:00.002+08:00

Again, it doesn't really matter because when I wake up in the morning to a new day, it will be a thing in the past.

It doesn't matter, because I can always vent away my feelings by writing it away and feel better from there.

And really it doesn't matter because this is not the first time...I will feel good from there.

Ho ho ho...

2009-12-26T06:18:00.004+08:00

I know, I know...this is late but hey, Boxing Day counts too~

MERRY CHRISTMAS...

Seasons Greetings~

Ramblings

2009-12-14T04:02:00.005+08:00

I just needed someone to be there for me tonight. Just this night.

That's all.

Even the constants showed their exceptions. I wish my constant dependency would somehow revert to its exception too.

It will eventually be so: when the sun rises and I tell the world it doesn't matter because it really doesn't anymore, because that moment has passed, because fate does not cater to my want, because life is teaching me to convert this void into words.

And I did.

**Randoms of the day: Tesco's Mushroom Soup with Croutons in sachets tastes so ridiculous. Ugh, don't even bother to say anymore.

Christopher Columbus on a Life Journey to New Boundaries

2009-12-08T01:33:00.007+08:00

Viva La Vida Night 2009 Performance Click over to watch the video.

I guess that's the only way I can show u the video I uploaded. I mean I don't know how to upload into the blog or embed it. Shall learn soon how to.

Anyway, that was performed with the Pharmacy Band. Maybe we should call that band The Pharmacy. Lol. The performance was for Viva La Vida Night- a fund raising event in conjunction of Cervical Cancer Awareness Campaign with MSD.

I'm glad the butterfly chose to fly over to that new place.

Also pardon my bad singing. >.<

Words of wisdom

2009-12-06T18:09:00.002+08:00

To all butterflies out there, fly as far as you can...search all the corners of the earth, fulfill your life and stick to the boundaries that wisdom teaches.

Yes, fly while you still can.

Flight

2009-12-04T15:32:00.002+08:00

The butterfly did take off...to another new region. Should I say that Viva La Vida, no matter how small the event was somehow life changing altogether?

Random thoughts..

2009-11-13T18:06:00.002+08:00

Silence is not a weapon.
Nor is it a tool of cold war.

Silence is a virtue, capable of saving from countless bloody confrontations.

Silence is comfort, without having to express in any language.

Translation of the heart

2009-11-09T00:58:00.000+08:00

Hold me tight

Kiss me right

And whisper "it'll be alright"

Coz' that's all i need

For me to see the light.

Chemistry

2009-11-08T02:22:00.009+08:00

Chemistry 101:

A glass may be hard but it's brittle. It can withstand force without changing its shape to a certain degree and then....it breaks.

SHOOT.

2009-11-07T22:39:00.002+08:00

Now....

Since I do care a big deal not to wear on my spikes and hurt your feelings even when there's a reason to, would you kindly please care to treat the same in return?

It's already not easy to care so much for yours while I let aside mine to serve yours.

So, ladies and gentlemen, lay down your whatever weapons of anger and hold your peace because I'm holding mine down here. Shall I fire some guns to show you the difference?

OMG. This post is so emo. Shall stop here and be happy.

Ouch.

2009-11-04T02:35:00.005+08:00

I choose to see towards the light.

Criticism may sometimes or in fact all the time demotivates but in the end it depends on how a person takes it. I choose to grow out of it rather than defeat.

Don't I feel hurt? Of course I do. Hurts even the more when it hits on your accomplishments.

Does it mean I should let it beat me down? No.

Someday I'll come around stronger. For now, I'll hang on until I get there.

No desserts

2009-10-30T00:02:00.006+08:00

Supposedly today is free enough for us to meet. Supposedly we carry out our oh-so-juicy plan.

One thing lead to another, now the plan is off. Maybe, tomorrow. Perhaps some other day.

Maybe an ice-cream would cheer me up.

Supposedly I feel something...actually I do. Yet at the same time, it doesn't really sting.

Kind of like ant bite. Ouch but its alright, you know.

I guess the distance is no longer that foreign to me by now.

Sunshine

2009-10-24T11:10:00.005+08:00

Good morning, world.

'Tis a wonderful morning to a glorious day! Nothing beats absorbing the free rays from the sun and feel the world is so beautiful.

cantik kan gambar ni? its taken by a malaysian photographer. so proud~

Ok, before everyone gets baffled I shall explain: I GOT NEW CURTAINS! And the cool thing is...it allows the sun to come in.

Isn't that fantastic or what? But it gets kinda hot that I need to shift to my japanese table at the other side of the room if I want to work but can't complain.

This is already so good.

Walking on

2009-10-21T20:35:00.007+08:00

It seems that the world around me is like a giant sink: gravity plays the major role.

As for me, I choose to defy the pessimism and look ahead for light in the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes the feeling of rejection can be so strongly felt that you start to wonder if you're not smart enough, not beautiful enough, not worth the time. In the end the reason lies not on everyone else but it's in my heart- never mind what other people thinks, I feel great inside.

Someday I'll find the light. For now...well, for now I'll just keep on walking with head held high and keep on walking.

left? right?

2009-10-18T23:32:00.004+08:00

I've been there; deep deep down so low that you don't see any traces of light.

And I found myself sinking deep down again. But I guess this time memory serves its purpose and I will try to swim my way up this time.

I shall stop clapping my hand, the other hand is not up to my beat. Yes, it's my life and I shall find my own ways to fill up the void.

C'est la vie~

Wrecked.

2009-10-15T20:59:00.006+08:00

I returned...on my shield from battle. Was supposed to return with my shield but instead, on my shield.

Let's just say I wore the wrong shoes for battle, ooops I forgot to check my Achilles heel. And yes, I got shot there. Every single time.

I went there in full sail like Titanic and sunk altogether all thanks to an iceberg. 4 long years was what it took to prepare the ship and one night is all it took to sink altogether.

Six solid hours of preparations practically went down the drain all because of one small mistake. Just one wrong step. ONE.

Battle jitters

2009-10-14T17:32:00.006+08:00

I've never really experienced a real weather storm before like(God forbid) a hurricane, twister or cyclone.

But I'm pretty sure that I can actually feel as what the world calls as the calm before the storm.

Oh ya, baby...blow my hair dry.

No amount of training can ever prepare me for what battle is about to pour out tomorrow. Only God knows how many demons shall be exorcised in 6-hours lab tomorrow. Pure sadism that could potentially make u cry or laugh or both at the same time. Of which only tomorrow shall tell.

Yes, lab practical's tomorrow. Forgive me if I've been too deep into pharmacy but that's life for me at this time. So what if I lose the sense of the real world when there's a battle that holds the potential to rob off the remnant of my sanity and bliss that's holding me from falling apart?

Well, at least I prepared more this time for what's ahead. Armor, check. Helmet, check. Crossbow, check. When all else fails, at least I got the consolation that I tried my best and pat myself on my wounded sore back.

SLOW DAY

2009-10-03T15:20:00.004+08:00

What a boring day.

No soul to talk to. No movie to watch either. Occasional chat on-line with friends, no other than that. House all empty, all off to elsewhere other than Hell Land.

Look, the entire uni lot is DESERTED.

The quietness is supposed to be the motivation to study but what the heck, I'm more motivated when there're more things to juggle with (no, I don't mean more school work).

Oh wait, there's my mum I can call to.

Patience...

2009-10-02T23:14:00.004+08:00

There are somethings in my heart I simply can't translate into words because words seem inadequate or rather my vocabulary failed me. One of the those winds is the heavy feeling down my gut following rejection. Yes, the familiar feeling has returned. The same feeling that reminds you that you are nowhere near perfect or even acceptable, the same feeling that leaves you feeling like an island.

Rather than running off to the solace of my home, this time I know better. Maybe not much better but at least I won't head straight to my shelter.

I have to admit, I did dread to return back here, to the home I never wanted to address. I did wish to stay within the fortress of my consolation, run and hide away from the ugly truth that stings. But here I am, facing the world that seems like never mine.

No, I won't turn back.

History proved that patience is the best virtue.

Once upon a time in my life, there was the worst guy in the whole world. For the interest of the study, we shall call him Cigarette. Dear Mr. Cigarette was a young talented, resourceful, intelligent man whom nearly no one could ever tolerate, lest much to say a person you would come close and confide in. No one in the world except two sweet souls, Salad and Iron who chose to tolerate it all and learn to understand grumpy Mr. Cigar.

Fast forward, Mr. Cigar changed for the better and the world seem to like him. Somehow extraordinary blossomed; Salad and Iron are the only ones that Mr. Cigar would confide with even with all the world's open arms and tender loving care to Cigarette.

Moral of the story, patience has its infinite rewards. From this story, a wonderful special friendship that blossomed out against all odds. It all suddenly hit me; how exactly did a person lose his patience and tolerance completely? All because he lost faith in bullies who succeed to rob him of his faith in humankind, he chose to close his heart out to the world and missed the blessings that the world could offer.

This time I chose to exercise patience with understanding. For all the better reasons, I choose to blossom in this hard soil, no matter how tough life is.

Just like a flower that grew through the cracks of the wall.

Who can say where the heart chose? Only time.

2009-10-01T23:38:00.003+08:00

As always, academic year starts with a brand new hype and motivation. Energetic and eager, only this time with the intuition that hell's about to break loose anytime but the magnitude of it, i'm not too sure. Thus, I'm more prepared but at the same time, I'm less.

Feels exactly like climbing up the roller coaster, with breath held tight anticipating and dreading at the same time for the plunge.

By the way, I just read the old posts. It's just unbelievable it was the same person wrote the exactly opposite to what she sees today. Or at least at a very different angle. Looking back, I'm pretty certain that time certainly does heal, or at least allows wound to heal. How fast things change altogether.

Well, I guess to turn a coin you have to flip it and no matter how hard u blow, you'll never get to flip it around. And I learnt that acceptance does not come easily, sometimes it takes hard work and patience aplenty to sink in reality and replace dreams that only exist in perfect world.

I think 'tis time I prepare for the storm rather than stand and watch for it.

pelan romantik yang takkan jadi kenyataan tahun ini

2009-06-07T01:33:00.004+08:00

Banyak kali aku berangan dan meluahkan perasaan aku kepada kawan kawan di sisiku tentang bagaimana kami akan menghabiskan masa kami apabila berjumpa:

1. Menyambut kepulangannya ke tanah air di lapangan terbang KLIA
2.Beli sari dgn dia di sekitar Masjid India.
3.Bawa dia siar siar melihat sikitar universiti sambil memberi gambaran hidupku di uni.
4. Menikmati nasi ayam semenyih dan ais kacang broga bersamanya
5. Mendaki bukit broga pada awal subuh dan melihat kecantikan permandangan dari atas bukit
6. Mendengar muzik okestra Malaysia Philharmonic Orchestra di KLCC dengannya
7. Melihat ikan-ikan di Aquaria KLCC
8. Bersiar-siar di sekitar KL.
9. Menikmati jamuan nasi pisang bersamanya.

Sepanjang tahun aku berusaha menghafal jalan di sekitar bandaraya, walaupun aku tidak memandu di KL semata-mata untuk tahu jalan untuk sampai ke destinasi yang dirancang untuk kami pergi bersama apabila kami keluar bersama.

Berkali-kali aku merancang dengan kawan-kawanku supaya mendaki Bukit Broga secara berkumpulan bersama kami berdua.

Setiap kali aku melalui kawasan yang inginku meluangkan masa bersamanya, aku memberitahu diriku supaya tabah kerana dia akan cepat pulang.

Bertapa bodohnya aku mengharapkan sedemikian kerana semua ini tak akan menjadi kenyataan. Lagilah sakit hatiku kerana tempat tempat ini aku kerap lalui dengan pengetahuan bahawa kali ini kami tidak akan berbuat yang sama.

Lebih pilu kerana hari demi hari hati aku melompat gembira kerana dia semakin dekat tarikh balik ke tanah air hanya untuk melepaskan harapan dan impian aku buat masa ini. Sampailah masa kita untuk berjumpa semula, entahlah betapa lama lagi.

Masa dan jarak tidak mengizinkan kami untuk bersama untuk masa yang mencukupi. Lagilah dia sibuk apabila pulang ke tanah air kerana akan sibuk meluangkan masa dengan famili sebagai anak, abang, cucu, dan saudara.

Betapa kecewanya aku hari ini apabila aku melawat India Fair di Midvalley dan mengetahui tahun ini kami tidak akan dapat berbuat yang serupa.

Telah lama aku cuba bersabar sehingga tidak dapat lagi menahan sakit ini yang amat dalam.

Mungkin suatu hari nanti aku akan melupakan kesakitan ini tetapi buat masa ini, hati aku luluh sama sekali. Mungkin ubat terbaik itu masa sendiri.

letting go...in a way

2009-06-07T00:51:00.003+08:00

I struggled long for many days. It started long time ago and died halfway. Relapse occured again, and I find it hard to fight it.

I am needy. I depend my happiness a lot on other people.

I put uttermost importance on maintaining relationship. I see it as an neccessity especially in long distance relationship. I wouldn't let the spark and flame die out but the price to pay requires the dance of two individuals, not one.

Today I realised I was the only want who cared to dance to that rhythm.

The other, couldn't keep up.

For the sake of both of us, I would be willing to let it go. Just let go and follow suit. I give up my expectations, my desires. But what if things then falter the more and failure ensues?

Will my heart die out and turn cold without the fuel it needed to go on? Will it be able to see find its way back to love again? Or in the end eventually both of us realised we both drifted so far apart unknowingly?

Which is why the struggled went on and refused to budge-fighting on against the current, believing that this time light will come at the end of the tunnel. I was so afraid, that I will drift away, then I might left him out of knowledge of the important events in my life.

"Just this once more, things will change around". How stupid...swimming against the current of the river. Or trying to shake oil and water to mix together.

What happens next, only time will tell.

Right now, I'll let the current sweep me away and I can only look forward towards independence and strength of my own inner self.

I think I feel lighter now. Perhaps thats the release I need to move on, away from a burden that I brought to myself.

LDR SUCKS. SUCKS. SUCKS.

2009-04-30T02:56:00.005+08:00

Menu for the day:

1.Headache
A feeling of throbbing in the head, which gives general feeling of discomfort accompanied by general servings of BAD TEMPER and POOR FOCUSING.

2.Preparation for tomorrow's classes
A timely consuming process that requires all of your time and concentration, garnished with large amount of sheer stress.

3.Cleaning, chore, cooking
A tedious activity that seem to take eternity and may be subjected to mood swings and level of complexity in the task.

4.Tired
In this menu, focusing and being emotionally available is NOT POSSIBLE.

5.Physically not there
A HARD CORE FAMOUS RECIPE OF LDR HOUSE, A MUST HAVE FOR ALL DINERS OF LDR RESTAURANT.

6.Four or five hours apart. Bonus: One trillion miles apart.
A guarantee to let you have a taste of what LDR is all about.

7.Special dessert: Other engagements
A choice of special gathering or football match or some other trip to somewhere that compliments the main courses perfectly well.

Nice choice.. Pick any: 1,2, or 3?

Combinations are most welcomed . 1+5+4? 2+6+4? These are hot cake sellers. Choose your combo.

Bon appetit.

Hilang

2009-04-12T03:06:00.004+08:00

Kali ini aku betul-betul tidak ingin bangkit lagi. Tidak terdaya sama sekali aku ingin berdepan dengan muka realiti yang tiada hentinya mencabar demi mencabar.

Ya, memang aku seorang lemah, pesimis. Memang aku seorang yang bergantung kebahagiaannya atas orang lain, hanya untuk merasai kekecewaan. Memang aku seorang yang naif dan tidak cukup realistik hanya nanti terperangkap dalam idealisme sendiri yang tidak mungkin dapat direalisasikan.

Memang, aku ini seorang yang lemah.

Kini aku lemah bukan sekadar luaran, tapi segala semangat bara aku betul-betul sudah terpadam. Dan terus menjadi abu. Sekadar itu sahaja; aku bukan phoenix yang mampu menolak segala kemungkinan dan bangkit lalu terbang tinggi di langit angkasa. Tidak, abu sahaja yang tinggal tidak lebih dari itu.

Entah bagaimana aku akan terus berdepan dengan hidupku lagi yang hilang makna sama sekali...kecuali untuk familiku yang sanggup menerimaku seadanya dan mencurah kasih sayang padaku tanpa mengharapkan sebarang balasan selain daripada melihat diriku bahagia. Untuk kawan-kawanku, terima kasih banyak banyak atas segala pertolongan dan sokongan padumu.

Dan kerana ini, aku sanggup berjuang lagi dan mampu berdepan dengan muka realiti tetapi aku masih tidak terdaya untuk bangkit, hanya cukup untukku bertahan di tahap aku sekarang.

Tetapi aku tidak dapat balik begitu sahaja; sama sekali dengan menolak realiti dan terus bersembunyi di sebalik lindungan ibu bapaku yang ingin melihatku berdiri dan berdepan dengan hidupku. Tetapi aku betul betul rasa penat lelah, tiada kekuatan yang tinggal dalam diriku.

Makinku tulis, makan banyak yang perlu dibaca...kesimpulannya, aku benar benar terasa hilang arah tuju aku. Usah baca yang lain aku tulis tu.

Keperluanku yang tiada ganti

2009-04-10T22:20:00.004+08:00

Pada saat-saat begitulah aku mendapati diriku inginkan, perlukan, payahkan bahunya untukku merehatkan kepalaku; apabila dunia ini terasa begitu kejam, pilu, hinggaku tidak tercari apa kata langsung untuk menggambarkan perasaan ini yang teramat sangat.

Pada saat-saat beginilah aku betul-betul memerlukan dia, hanya dia saja, tanpa perlu dia berbuat atau berkata apa-apa kecuali meminjam bahunya yang membawa seribu ketenangan and kegembiraan.

Kini tanpa kehadirannya di sisi aku mendapati diriku tergapai-gapai tanpa dapat mencari satu-satunya yang berjaya mencari kekuatan dalam diriku yang aku tersangka tiada, petunjuk arahku yang aku tidak dapat cari, kebahagiaan yang aku tidak menyangka diriku berhak memiliki.

Kini aku mendapati diriku keseorangan tanpa satu-satunya penawar hati yang pernah berada di sisiku dan rasa hilang ini tak akan pergi selagi aku menemuinya bila ia kembali ke pangkuanku. Sehingga itu, kekallah rasa berat ini yang tidak mungkin dapat aku cari ubat penawarnya.

breathe

2009-04-10T20:36:00.002+08:00

I tried, I gave my best, and it doesn't matter at all if they were refused. Everyone has different choices and it doesn't matter at all...and why doesn't it matter?

The answer is simple: it is the welfare that I care for, not the recognition or sense of belonging.

And that sets me even more free and lighter.

Intentions

2009-04-10T02:43:00.005+08:00

I don't need to explain myself;I never feel like I need to. To me, it is the intentions and motives behind every single action and moves that matter most. True, I don't really care to explain myself.

The only reason being me speaking out is because sometimes an incident does not just involve two parties; there are more ingredients involved in the recipe and for that, I do need to clear the air for the sake of the innocent ones.

Perhaps, even the most analytical person has to really look into the eye of another soul, only then decide and judge. Rather than believing that others perceive you as who you present as, perhaps there's more to that. Maybe we thought we're the only one who puts on a mask, a plastered smile that we couldn't distinguish others doing to see that. We just fail to see that.

There's always more behind the smile on the mask in a masquerade, behind the drawn grin of a clown's. There's not only one smile plastered on the face. There are many more who plaster better ones, features so real that you can't tell them apart if its really a smile or frown, joy or despair.

I don't need to explain myself. My intentions were pure and I am at peace.

It is not my habit to poke fun of people purely for the sake of fun and certainly I care for the consequences before I make the next move. Every medal has two sides, each telling different stories. Maybe there's more than that. Perhaps the prank is only the cover or excuse behind something of a deeper meaning.

Perhaps one should try to look at the other side and then only decide and judge for himself.

I shall not say more, because again, I don't have to explain myself and I am at peace.

post mortem

2009-04-09T01:45:00.002+08:00

TREAT THE CAUSE NOT THE SYMPTOM.

Yup...that's right. I have a change in mind. It WAS Pure Crap.

Anyway, the cause of a problem may be rather deep and I am truly only an observer, incapable of much help.

oh well. i rest my case.

Observation

2009-04-08T20:57:00.005+08:00

Disclaimer: This post is written from the eye of a mere onlooker, forgive me if my two cents offend a lot..do see it as the tale from the other side of the coin instead.

I don't even know if it's important to even write this piece. Probably to the reader this is a piece of pure crap.

Somehow, I clutch this close at my heart as I DO CARE, only I don't manifest them. Being vulnerable is the last I yearn to be seen as. That's another story.

Anyway...as much as I care, it has not much to do with me, you see. But I feel that I do need to speak out, regardless of how many ears are there ready to listen to my say. Not speaking out for myself, but for those who had no chance to speak out their genuine, caring hearts' content.

If the hat fits, wear it. If you feel this is for you, then it is for you.

When certain circumstances seem to befall on us, many times they are not within our control. The only difference, being pleasant or otherwise. Some fell unexpectedly, some hit the jack pot, not knowing their luck. As some took on the stage, some had to leave. What binds them all is, the circumstances being out of their control.

Some are left wounded, a brave soldier who needs to recuperate. As other mates understand, they tried their best to give what they believe is best to allow to heal. Perhaps they didn't understand what was really needed for the best. Perhaps they didn't know the right word to say, the fitting gesture to give.

Rather than giving the medicine that heals, when a person has a wound what believed to be the cure may aggravate it all together. It is true, an exercise is what humans all need but when sick or wounded, a swim or a jog only makes things worse. Do understand though, everyone tried to give what we believe is best, for our soldier's interest. We tried, and perhaps disappointed.

Perhaps we forced down the medicine we thought would heal.

Adverse drug reaction, some say.

But I truly feel for those who tried so hard, so sincerely to make best way in interest of our fighter's heart; only to be returned with cold shoulders. The one whom they tried to lift up, to give a sense belonging seem to reject them...it only hurts more. And what already hurts was the fact that they were the ones who gave support from the very start and they feel they are now being brushed aside.

But do acknowledge the effort the caring ones gave, the sincerity and care behind their every words and actions.

But then, we do try to look at the other side of the medal; Perhaps the brave soldier needs some time or space,or whatever that's necessary to move on. For that, we're willing to step aside and be patient.

Time shall tell the difference.

I for one am the last one deserving to be such friend- I am standing merely as an observer who seen enough of one side of the coin and trying to understand the other side of it. A coin has two images, you see- each one telling a different story.

Somehow, it's necessary that I speak for those who cared, for those who tried. I care too but not being able to help as I am not fit or qualified to be nursing matrons of the front line.

Again, I am after all, merely stand as an observer.

Perhaps they, and I are not intellectually in the same wavelength as our soldier. Maybe it could be we hurt rather than heal by mistake. Could it be because of our yin and yang? Irreconcilable differences?

Once again, perhaps it is simply time the essence needed to heal. And space being the element that nurtures recovery. Perhaps our brave soldier is doing what is best to come back. And we shall be waiting for the moment.

See it this way: are not created equal or the same. The best way is to speak out, it helps us to see the side that we thought we understand, the side of the coin that we believe is the same as the other. Perhaps whatever I wrote is provoking anger rather than helping at all.

I truly care, but am in no position in this matter. I am not the best to look for, talk to and confide in. I understand my limitations and my faults. My sincere apologies; for not being a good ear, a gentle mouth, a soothing face. Maybe one is yin and the other is yang, which supposedly be good because they balance out each other but rather than balancing, they cancel out each other leaving only a neutral ground; not left nor right.

I don't know, maybe one day fate shall churn us all in one circumstance to teach us a lesson to create a symphony, together side by side. Til then, my best wishes can only come from my heart and hope for the best...for the brave soldier's best interest.

The phoenix rose from its ashes, not from its glory but from the situation that seemed utterly impossible, the quantum of solace.

You can make it, I have faith.

Forget what's behind

2009-03-28T01:43:00.002+08:00

Every time those words ruin my day, every time the tone demotivates, every time the sentences break my spirit, every time when it seems hopeless John Lennon comes into my mind with his song Jealous Guy.

For that I'm willing to drop all my feelings and let it go, with all the hurt and pain behind...no trace.

Choices

2009-03-02T02:09:00.002+08:00

It all comes down to one question: What do you want?

I come to a point where I face this question and have no answer in turn. When I don't get the attention I wish for, my moods take a nose dive and hit bottom crash. Hard.

Really, I wonder...is it truly his love that I'm hungry for? Or is it plainly I thirst after attention on me? Which do I take? If it's really his love then why does my rationale refuses to understand his situations, that he has his needs and other priorities, and I can't just insist on being his focus all the time?

If it's not, then am I being selfish? If it's only my need for attention, then why must it be only from him, not other company in my life?

And why would I still continue to rely my happiness solely on him? Why wouldn't I try to look for inner joy on my own and then only search for added happiness from him?

It all comes down to one question: What is it that I want?
I can only choose one answer and each answer gives a path that gives different lives to lead.

I choose to love and to cherish him instead.

stoned

2009-02-28T00:10:00.002+08:00

Sometimes it seems really undeserving when all day you're in cloud nine but just that one sentence spoken in a very lousy tone simply shatters your day. Like a stone hitting right through the window.

I was really soaring high in the skies and before you know it, I lost my wings.

I survived through practical sessions today, scathed and battered. But no, I wasn't even an inch close to being emo while some others gave faces that exorcised a thousand demons. In fact, I felt still great.

I survived through the deprivation of TGIF and still felt its fine. Just an afternoon and a weekend off to finish up reports..I still have another 51 more in a year to enjoy, doesn't matter.

Sigh...but just that one sentence of disapproval simply turns my world outside down. Feeling emo? Check. Down? Check. Loss motivation? Check.

I lost it. The momentum is gone. All I have left is the cruel reminder of the harsh, cold reality that slaps me hard on the face, stripping me off the only sense of hope to keep me going.

And that's all that's left.

I'm still alive and kicking

2009-02-24T02:12:00.002+08:00

Hello, world. Testing, testing, one two three...can you hear me?

After a long comma (in writing, not my physical health), i believe it's time to resuscitate my love for writing(craps) again.

Long story short, life has proved to be easier and tougher along the way...the path that I trod on is now smoother but proves to be pretty slippery too. One *oops* and you'll fall. Hard.

As for writing or rather typing,the inspiration or actually, the skill that's necessary to compose a post has definitely slumped altogether...in fact, came to a total full stop. But then again, we all need to start somewhere don't we? So then again, life goes on from...here? Actually I'm still living my life the best I can. Only I didn't write them into words and post them into the web.

Well, more to pour out with plenty of useless facts to flog your brain with lame, over exaggerated remarks.

Don't say I didn't warn you of bad posts from here. That's all folks!

Cuts...

2008-08-27T22:00:00.003+08:00

When you have the idea of how the future is mapped in front of you and you can see how beautiful it gets, its inspiration.

It seems that when you lose control of certain situations and you feel down, thats depression. If the remedy is as so simple, all we need to learn is to resign as pilots of our lives. Feeling rock bottom low sometimes don't happen for any reason, it just does.

While some cuts heal, some wounds bleed out and the gap never close up. Especially those cut by the people you expect to soothe, the scars will only remind you of how painful it is.

One way leads to another

2008-08-07T14:58:00.002+08:00

Have you ever moments before you dip in your spoon to taste a hot curry to find that the dish was swapped for a bowl of tom yam instead?

The truth is...I'm cranky 'cause I'm hungry

2008-07-11T01:11:00.006+08:00

The best to avoid getting yourself hurt is not to expect from the people you love...no matter how tiny your expectation may be.

It is always easier said than done. And my actions spoke much louder than my own words. Again and again, I get disappointed by my own anticipation.

If then, why do I keep hoping so much? I wish to be more grateful, to be thankful - for instance, I am not a victim of any calamities that hit on Earthlings even more frequent than the Old Faithful. But no, it can't be helped; the grass is much greener on the other side.

I can't help but to keep on wishing that I will get to talk those sweet nothings on the phone, or meet up with him which only end up meeting empty frustrations.

Just hand me fries and burgers and I'll be fine. I'm famished and it dries my endorphines out.

Not Standing Still

2008-07-04T23:11:00.003+08:00

Most of the times my emotions experience fluctuations; one second it soars high like tsunami then the next, left only masses of debris.

Sometimes it's true that the harder you laugh the harder you cry.

One second I could taste euphoria, the next I drink the cup of wrath.

Can't believe I am now actually lamenting over a missed unnecessary opportunity with the cost of rivers of tears.

Cherry Blossoms

2008-06-22T14:26:00.000+08:00

Found this in Kuching. I am not sure whether this is really cherry blossoms or not but.....admit it, this is a sight to behold. A whole tree in PINK. In Kuching, Sarawak. I have to shot the picture while the car was mobile. Sorry for the bad angles.

Love quotes..sour ones.

2008-06-20T16:51:00.002+08:00

Here are the funny quotes I found:

1. The simplest way to cure your ill-tempered lover is to change your lover.

2. Adam and Eve must be the only couple with no extramarital affair.

3. Love is like the foreword in a book, often unrealistic and full of self-praises.

There is no theory in love because those with the theories are busy being in love.

2008-06-14T11:33:00.002+08:00

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY,BILLIE BEAR!! LOVE YOU!

Sorry ar...no present for you.Yet.

Reject reject II

2008-06-12T15:17:00.002+08:00

It turns out that NUS, the ever prestigous university has COMPLETELY REJECTED ALL MY FIVE CHOICES OF UNDERGRADUATE COURSES.

Call me a loser, if that's what you think.

Infomania

2008-06-09T13:24:00.003+08:00

The MACQUARIE DICTIONARY Word of the Year has chosen a few new words in the annual update of their online version.

Among them is

Infomania: The tendency to give in immediate attention to incoming messages such as e-mail or text messages, resulting in constant distraction and a corresponding drop in recipient's attention levels and work performance.

Every single definition word hit me right on my weak spots, giving no other choice than defeat to the fact that I am actually INFOMANIAC. Studying or watching tv, it cannot be helped. A beep on my phone, I will turn my attention to it.

Sooner or later psychiatrists will start seacrching for loopholes in the condition (which is rather chronic too) and much to their delight, hearing the sound of their cash register ringing continuously.

Acrobatic Reptile

2008-06-02T17:28:00.006+08:00

Check this out:

The fact that geckos can stay on walls is already a wonder.

Aren't they supposed to stay on ALL FOURS? I just found a lizard that performs acrobatics right in my own kitchen!

facts

2008-06-02T17:18:00.002+08:00

Here's a quick fact I bumped into while turning the TV on seconds ago: Sandra Bullock was born on 26th JULY too. That was in 1964 though...

All I need is time, a moment that is mine

2008-05-27T11:55:00.001+08:00

I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman lyrics - Britney Spears lyrics

I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman Video - Britney Spears Music Videos

Music Videos by VideoCure

All I Need Is Time, A Moment That Is Mine

2008-05-27T11:37:00.006+08:00

I used to think, I had the anwers to everything. Somehow now I know, life doesn't always go my way. It feels like I'm caught in the middle and that's when I realised that I'm not a girl, not yet a woman.

This song, it tells all. Maybe the people around me think that I'm not mature, not ripe enough to face the world. Really, there is no need to protect me for it's the time that I learn things on my own; because at the the end of the rope we'll come to realisation point that ignorance and isolation from reality is not the solution to any problems.

All I need is some more time and the pace of my own while I'm in between a girl and a woman. Meanwhile, please accept me as I am.

Final Word

2008-05-17T15:43:00.002+08:00

Here's the verdict of my on-going deal with internet that has been through a roller coaster ride:

INTERNET DOESN'T HELP TO MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER. IT'S ALL RUBBISH, A SCAM.

I rest my case.

Jinxed

2008-05-16T17:13:00.003+08:00

Remember that Rotten Trip on that very Rotten Day? Remember?? Sure it's memorable.

OMG!! The Rotten Day was playing hide-and-seek with me! I was supposed to file in the bills after settling it but now it's missing!! It's nowhere to be found!

The eerie flashbacks of the day now come sweeping over me and I don't remember where I placed it! Could it have dropped on the way back....AGAIN? Did I accidentally thrown it away? Or ate it? There are so many possibilities...it's like deciphering a lock's combination code without single clue.

The evidence that I settled the bill is now gone! What am I going to do??! Not again..the Rotten Day is chained!

To err is human...

2008-05-15T15:30:00.007+08:00

Forgetting, in the eyes of my boss is The Deadly Sin of the office. I'm serious. When I was asked illogical and redundant questions, if I have no recollection of any Greek that he was speaking, his reaction would be as if I just tossed gold nuggets out of the window. His gold nuggets. Maybe his reaction wasn't that bad, it's worse.

I know there's an idiom bout forgetting but I forgot the exact sentence. Oops. Anyway, don't we all make mistakes? At least it wasn't done in definite intention such as stealing, robbing or setting the office on fire out of vengeance.

My boss would tell everyone to bookmark everything for me just so that I will remember while stressing, "She's forgetful". At least others, when they want me to remember something they'll tell out loud and clear to me whereas most that he does is stammer "ah...ah, erm...." at the front of every sentence. Who would remember exactly what would you want to say when all the inputs are only umms and ahs? Its already a struggle to process through the jungle of ums and ahs to finally get to see big idea tree. If there is standard for entry to compete in Hitz.fm's YES, NO, UMM, AH game, he is sure disqualified.

ENCIK, MACAMLAH SAYA SUKA SANGAT LUPA. (Which means as if I like to forget).

Go and hire an Einstein or a historian then.

Never mind. To err is human, indeed that's true but let's not forget that to forgive, divine. Let's put it behind. Forgive and forget.

Right. I am still so going to resign by next month.

On a second thought....

2008-05-07T16:03:00.002+08:00

I change my mind. Internet certainly can shorten the far distance between people, soothe the wounded heart and balms the broken spirit. Yup, it works wonders.

Distance

2008-05-06T09:38:00.002+08:00

Distance makes the heart fonder. Fact or myth? That's your call. As for me, it works like magic, but fools like magic too.

This time, I have sour grapes to sell instead. I shall tell why. More and more frequent when I dreamt about P.Russ (which is supposed to be good isn't it?) BUT (always a but)...I can't find him. Nope, I can't see him nor can I hear him yet I am still communicating with him.

That's when I realised that he is officially now the Guy-In-The-Phone. And the last time I dreamt , I could see other people in my dreams (too bad, not handsome) but when it comes the P.Russ, all I see is...a cellphone screen staring at me. While other parts of the dreams became so animated, when shifting to him all I hear is a silence. And then I can see some alphabet texts. Even in dreams I can't meet him; I only get to read text messages. How animated. How exciting. Who knows the next dream I can see him but when I want to speak, I'd flash out my phone and text him instead.

The most naive thought I have is thinking that having internet solves the distance problem. Now all I got is an internet connection that blows my wallet and be used only for checking mails. No, I don't find solitary in online games. Only books make me happy.

Worst of all, I kept thinking of getting internet connection day and night believing that it's the best way to reach out to him and only to find myself smitten and crushed to the very inside of me. Either he's busy or I'm busy, or he has no connection or I don't. Soon when uni starts, all the memories left behind will only be left behind and that's it.

Only I am the biggest fool of thinking of going through all the steps to reach a destination that never exists. As always, it happens all the time.

A New Day Has Come

2008-05-06T09:34:00.002+08:00

I'm...........okay. I reckon maybe.

I'm fine, just needed something to vent out my unhapiness.

No, it's not my teenage angst. My teenage status is soon to expire anyway. Ok, maybe it is.

Left Only Ashes

2008-05-02T09:19:00.007+08:00

I thank all those who have killed all my passion that I have love for my education.

Heartiest congratulations, all my offers are expiring while some are already way off dead, especially the offers to study medicine. The only hope that I clung to is now completely broken, I have no way left to pursue my dreams in studying medicine. As for the rest of the offers, they are just waiting to evaporate up and vanish into thin air and never be heard of again. I vow that I will never look back and even think of them. Whatever decision I make in the future, don't come up to me and ask why the path of my life have lead on to the way that you do not fashion into. I don't care, just as how no one cares.

I thank further to all those who have attempted to murder the love that I have in writing.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. You can take me off from writing but you can never take away writing from me. So as long as I breathe, I shall write whenever I feel compelled to. Right now all I have is hatred and despair. If you do not find my words fit to your taste, LEAVE. I do not write as to please anybody's heart nor do I write as to polish anyone's shoes.

I thank the most to those who left me out in solitude, not giving out help when I already asked and begged for. When your time comes, I shall give you a better taste than of mine today.

My most thankful gratitude goes to the hypocrites who resuscitate my dying hopes and eventually left them out to die; those who give life back to my dreams and eventually only to let me see them wither away before my very own eyes.

Everything's burnt; my passion, my hopes, my dreams, my spirit, my heart. All the purpose of my existence have ceased. I now live as everyone's string puppet, directed to wherever people desires me to. Someday soon I'll cut off my strings and you'll see.

First Of May

2008-05-02T09:09:00.003+08:00

I know, it's been a day late but...like always, it's better late than never. Here's a song for us to celebrate the day; it's been my favourite ever since until I grew tall.

When I was small,

And Christmas trees were tall,

We used to love while others used to play.

Don't ask me why, but time has passed us by,

Some one else moved in from far away.

Now we are tall,

And Christmas trees are small,

And you don't ask the time of day.

But you and I, our love will never die,

But guess we'll cry come First of May.

The apple tree that grew for you and me,

I watched the apples falling one by one.

And I recall the moment of them all,

The day I kissed your cheek and you were mine.

When I was small, and Christmas trees were tall,

Do do do do do do do do do...

Don't ask me why,

But time has passed us by,

Some one else moved in from far away...

First of May

By Bee Gees

Cover Song Syndrome

2008-04-25T10:05:00.014+08:00

Cover songs today is all part and parcel of the music entertainment industry. Many times we hear different artists singing the same song, both fresh and old. Covers are not only bound to a region itself, but going international even and changed into different languages;English to Chinese or Spanish, and vice versa too. Most recent one I could remember was the same tune for Purest of Pain by Coco Lee in Chinese.

Lately I fumble across numerous numbers of covers. While some covers are good or not bad, the rest simply turn stale sour. What is it that drives some bands to sing covers over and over again 'til they sound like a new parrot?

Take the best example, Westlife.

First, the Uptown Girls. That was fine- it was catchy, energetic, and gave fresh air to the aging version by Billy Joel. Who knows, next came Seasons In The Sun. It was a hit too but if look down the memory lane from there, sniff around and you'd smell trouble. We have fun, we have joy, we have seasons in the sun. But the wine and the band, like the season have gone foul.

After a series of originals, they're at it again. You Raise Me Up, then Home. If you listen to the radio and reach the part they sang "I wanna go HOoOo-OoOo-OoOomMme!!!" you can somehow imagine the singers sang out to their hearts content, full of emotions with their forehead scrunched, like a wrung towel while going nearly on their knees, wanting to go home. I definitely prefer Michael Buble's over theirs.

Not that I dislike Westlife, but where has their originality gone to? Raised Up by them then met Uptown tune and went Home? I remember those good old days of If I Let You Go and Unbreakable- so sensational, so ooomph!, so Westlife-ish. Now they can change their name to WEST-PARROT-LIFE instead.

*Squawk* The Parrot Award goes to.....Westlife.

Covers sang properly are fine. Some even pulled off with a brand new twist and flavour to the song like Britney to I Love Rock 'N Roll, Jessica to Take My Breath Away and best of all, Goodnight by Destiny's Child. Hmmm... (3 singers, shouldn't it be Destiny's Children?) Perfect. Bravo, bravo, brovissimo...

The latest one I came across is Beat It by Fall Out Boys.

They're good rockers, with fine personalities but this is nothing personal, just business- it was pretty, erm, lame. Rock bands today tend to drown their vocals with heavy metal music, perhaps to cancel out any slight off-pitch voices. After all, the spotlight is on the music, not the vocals. Necessity falls on guitar and drum skills, not much on vocals instead.

Where was I?Oh, F.O.B. Their guitar skills are definitely top-notch in the song, perhaps that explains the inspiration to perform the song.

But dear boys, the song you picked was sang by Michael J, who is unbeatable in choreography and vocal. If you want to cover for Beat It, somehow please polish up your vocal a little more. I know, you are trying to rock-size the song but the cover compared to the original production is like a Petaling Street's faux LV (for Louis Vuitton, in case you wonder) to the authentic one from France.

Mm-mmm...a bag every girl just wants

The beat it, beat it part has an obvious off pitch-tempo there, no can do, boys. Definitely falling out, boys. My hats to Michael J. I just love him singing that song. But you wanna be baaaaaaaad! So, beat it!! Uumph.

Had tough time choosing MJ's picture. There are so many and the difference is HUGE. Kinda like series of evolution in Biology books.

Just when I thought these artists are pretty bad, then the video by William Hung came on air right at the exact moment. I stand corrected, Westlife and Fall Out Boys are GOOD. This is catastrophe, fiasco. She bangs, she bangs. Before you know it, she'd bangs her head hearing this song. I wonder how it felt to be Ricky Martin to have his song mutilated so baaaadly.

I mean, come on. Just listening to it makes you want to cringe and give his face a good slap. That's not music, its NOISE. Definition: UNWANTED random sound in the human audible frequency range.

AAAAARGH. RUN! Its Hung-zilla!!

Definitely there are certain ingredients that you just must have in your cover songs such as not making a cover too soon for the song like Jojo and Sean Kingston and also to change the style into one that's unique and not end up stale-cold. For example the accoustic of Rihanna's Umbrella (ambik Payung tu..nak hujan dah ni) in You Tube was great whereas Mandy Moore's too plain.

Looks like the coversong-itis disease will never come to an end.

Song Without Words

2008-04-21T12:48:00.005+08:00

He has always been in my heart and mind. As for his photo, it has always been in purse.

Somehow I could never bring myself to gaze at his picture long enough lest the inevitable urge to break down and cry will follow. Thus, for days it lay hidden in my purse, behind layers of cards or sometimes when I look at the picture, it will only be a flash and that's it. Not long enough to trigger the tears reflex response, I'm spared from another cry-me-a-river session.

Funny, because last night I seemed to forget about all the consciousness and I pulled out the picture to have a good long stare at it. As I gazed more and more, the familiar sense that I have not been faced in ages came flooding over me- his face that identifies him. All the sudden I can see him smile back to me. Instead of suppressing the wave of warmth, I let it all flush down on me. I was afraid of losing the sense of warmth, was afraid of losing the familiar look that gives a thousand assurance. Quickly, I sought to learn him by heart as much as I could.

In the midst of worries, there came a whisper from my heart that I need not try to learn him by heart but came no reason why to explain. Finally from deep down the bottom of my heart, I finally realised that I didn't have to learn him because I have already known him by heart. Just, not much enough...and at that exact moment I realised that I love and miss him so much.

Undefined by words but by intuition instead, that was the answer I have been searching all the while.

The inevitable gush of salted geyser soon followed..probably due to bad formulation of hormones. Drat.

Reject

2008-04-21T12:39:00.006+08:00

This is hard for me to talk as to think about this. Here we go...

I have mailed out all my high hopes and soaring dreams when I sent in my application to NUS for MBBS programme. How naive of me of thinking that I am actually close to reach my dreams of being a doctor in a highly reputed university. I've waited for days and checked my mailbox everyday, looked into my e-mails every single hour, and thought of the matter every single moment but in the end, it all came down to nothing.

Alas, time has drawn near and I was not one of the 250 shortlisted candidate called for interview. Perhaps the admissions staff were even chuckling at my futile attempt.

*SIGHHHHH.....*

Rotten Trip

2008-04-18T15:59:00.006+08:00

Today has been a day which successfully increases my blood pressure and test my patience to a brand new greater heights so high that Edmund Hilary would find conquering Mount Everest as a mere peanuts munching compared to the ordeal faced through today.

I have two simple extra work to do for the office I work for today.

Pay water bill.
Pay phone bill.

Such seemingly simple work, yet the sagacity involved would be so complicated that it would just put Einstein and Newton's Physics formulation combined to shame.

Originally with only one task, I went to settle water bill first. Alas, as I reached Bank Simpanan after a long walk that seem to take eternity, it was closed for lunch. I then had to walk back the route of eternity to the office.

Then when time's up, the boss asked me to pay up the phone bill along but has to be settled in another bank. Alright, then I walked to Bank Simpanan and halfway through, I realised I brought with me the phone bill but forgot the water bill. Took a deep breath and say to myself it's OK and so I walked back to collect the water bill.

This time I chose to settle the phone bill instead. Alright, then I paid it and headed to Bank Simpanan. Halfway through the Route of Eternity, I sniffed trouble and searched my pockets. Much to my dismay, the water bill wasn't with me! I had to run back all the way through the Route of Eternity, again to the other bank and luckily I found it on the floor..thank goodness the cleaner hadn't cleaned it up. Phew.

This time, no screws up. Cash, check. Bill, check. Then in to Bank Simpanan to get my turn for solid 20 minutes. Passed the bill to the cashier and guess what? "Payment not accessible through this centre because the bill statement is overdue".

I feel like being in Archie's Comics.

The Road Not Taken

2008-04-17T09:44:00.008+08:00

I thank Robert Frost for his beautiul melody of words, having expressed in best about various predicaments that most of us would face in our lives.

The Road Not Taken
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920.

I, too chose the road less travelled by...

It has been...

2008-04-16T13:54:00.016+08:00

1 hour since I smsed him.

1 week since we talked over the phone.

22 days since he left.

138 days since I last saw him.

Never a moment I stopped wishing to see him again.

Inner Turmoils

2008-04-16T09:59:00.012+08:00

I have a series of choices to make but when come down to the end, all I can make is only ONE decision.

The possible outcomes of Rebecca's career. And yes, diagrams make our life simpler.

Thus, the mother of all questions: Medicine or Pharmacy? Sometimes when I voiced out my wish to be a doctor, the reaction I got is somewhat similar to as how Elizabeth Blackwell's scenario. In a nutshell, most people think that women are not meant to be doctors.

Even if the prospect of studying medicine is eliminated away, Pharmacy itself is as complicated itself as the labyrinth. Which university should I go? To UK or Malaysia? Not only the Battle Of Profession is enraging, now there is constant Variation War going on.

Under the skirt of Medicine, there are not much choice to make. I shall explain.

One word tells it all: PRICEY. Never mind if it's expensive, but on top that, I cannot afford at all. Good universities do not often come cheap.

The best catch I could get for myself is INDIA, the country as complicated as CHINA itself. It would be fun to tackle the new challenges of the cultural web there but in case anything goes wrong, I shall be buried deep down in layers of indian norms, geography, history, politics and never ever get out of it.

I don't need much reasons, having inadequate amount of finance is already a full stop to my dreams.

Being pro-pharmacy (at this moment), I have permutations after permutations to choose from: UK or IMU, then break more down to another two universities under the branch of UK.

Why IMU:

Its pharmacy faculty is steel-strong, gaining recognition and high reputations from Universities all around the world. I myself can foresee that IMU will very soon outshine many universities in the world. NB-refers to pharmacy only. For Medicine, I am not sure.

IMU not only produces pharmacists, but also prepares and expose students into postgraduate, while encouraging students to head their voyage further.

Convenient and closer to home; all facilities are ready and all their students need to do is move in.

i) I want to move in and live with Kah Yee. ii)I will be able to see P.Russ when he returns for holidays. And these are not stupid reasons.

Lower tuition fees compared to UK , thus preparation for postgraduate trainings would be smoother.

I can't really stand cold weather.

But, IMU may have its drawbacks too.

Having to reach to high standards, rigorous regimes are enforced to ensure their students to study, study, study.(Look, this statement flowed out of the mouth of the dean himself. I think he's going to kill me soon.) Examinations are good, but if they are too frequent as how they were in college, personally it's not going to do any good to me. It'll only demotivate students and soon students might not take examinations as seriously as it should have been.

I have the impression that its syllabus is rather modular, or similar. If constant tests are held right soon after lessons are taught and they will be included into my final scores, I am seriously a goner. I CAN'T JUST STUDY AND SIT FOR A TEST STRAIGHT AFTER!

Nota Bene-These two reasons are enough to ruin my whole life from here.

How about UK?

Nice four seasons to experience, that's thrilling enough to lure me there.

Sunderland's syllabus are more into presentations and groupworks and though tough, the university has put in effort to ensure students venture into pharmacy without weighting down much pressure. Uni's life is supposed to be like this right??

Got to experience another culture of its own.

So what's the problem?

I'm not sure if the universities prepare their students well enough for postgraduate studies.

I'm ABSOLUTELY UNSURE WHICH UNIVERSITY SUITS ME BETTER. One will work like magic, the other kills yet I dunno which do so. I am playing coin tossing games here. Heads, Malaysia. Tails, UK.

UK is too pricey compared to tuition fees in IMU. The worst possible ending is stamping in too much cash for bachelors degree that equals as good as IMU's.

Add up together, I have series after series of combinations to choose from and I need more time and space to think...did I tell you I don't have these?

Another wave of...

2008-04-16T09:55:00.003+08:00

...nostalgia hit me again this time. Thanks to the same old song and another by Avril Lavigne's When You're Gone.

Drat.

Nostalgia

2008-04-15T09:03:00.005+08:00

It has been a long time since I searched for the song "With You" by Chris Brown on the radio but never get to catch it on air. Then this morning the song finally came on air and I remembered how often P.Russ told me to switch on the radio to catch the song but I was never with the radio.

Feeling a little nostalgic right now. Correction, VERY nostalgic. *sigh*

Nostalgia describes a longing for the past, often in idealized form. Nostalgia may or may not also be known as homesickness.-Wikipedia.

Med vs Pharm. PART TWO

2008-04-14T13:22:00.014+08:00

Before anything else, read PART ONE first..

The saga continues very soon after...
We've seen the good, the bold, and the beautiful. Now brace yourself for the ugly truth..again, in my very own twisted, baseless grounds.

Reasons NOT to choose medicine as your career:

EXPENSIVE career. Even before you begin, it has already completely burn off your pocket mercilessly. Typical scenario applies to paying money for exams merely for application process such as UKCAT *meow*, ICAT, entrance exams, eligibility certificates and more to empty your wallets. That's only starters. Light starters, mind you. Next comes the main course, guarantee to cultivate wings on your money. As if it's not enough, you'd have to pay additional costs for living expenses, examination papers, external posts, course works, researches, etc...all for a BACHELOR DEGREE. By then you become a GP, alongside with pride and glory, your bank account would have depleted to the extend until you're reduced to a pauper, albeit the new knowledge to save lives. More to come: Specialisation, postgraduate trainings, information upgrades and bla bla bla...tell me, do you still expect your mum and dad to boost your studies??

So many to learn, yet so little to be used when put to practice. Medicine students have to learn all about human bodies, yet the depth of knowledge learnt is somewhat shallow (think spreading butter over a wide surface of bread as the analogy) This is why specialists exist and they get to earn more comfortably to exxhange with their knowledge.

Working time being inflexible. Doctors make time to for other activities to their work schedule, whereas generally pharmacists make time for their work schedule to fit their life. Long story short, a doctor's life revolves around their work as their centre, being enslaved to their patients.
For those who needs straight eight hours of sleep and clean, state-of-art environment to study and work in, do think twice. Take some time to visit public hospitals and their ERs. If that's not your cup of tea, don't even think of being a doctor. That's how a hospital should look like and be and that's where doctors must take as their second home. Please, don't tell me you expect to work in hospitals like House's.

If you face cadavers every single lesson in medical schools and even after 30 days the sight of them still make you feeling nauseous as though you're pregnant and are having morning sickness, just pack your bags and head home, cause it means that's not your cup of Milo.

It is a known fact: Doctors today are increasingly growing in quantity. The rate of growth is not linear or directly proportional, I tell you...it's growing with a positive high power index exponential rate. Medical schools booming everywhere in every single corners in the world, with Malaysia being no exception. In our nation's own case, it is indeed a sore sight for any eyes. Ready or not, local institutions recklessly carry ahead with courses bearing the names MBBS, sometimes even without proper facilities while conducting classes in shop lots before moving to new campus. Don't ask me which university is that. DO YOUR OWN HOMEWORK. Anyway, back to doctors' factories...soon doctors will be over-supplied in the world, in a sense, though logically speaking...such thing is impossible.

Reasons NOT to choose to be a pharmacist:

Scope of work in pharmacy may be diverse and wide but the range of knowledge involved may not be as dynamic as medicine, thus if you have sudden lose in interest in Chemistry, you're a goner. Work will be boring, and boring.
Does not apply to the future or the next few years to come...only for NOW. In Malaysia, even doctors have dispensing rights. It seems in Sarawak particularly, the only thing left for present pharmacists to do is (i) open a pharmacy shop selling health paraphernalia (example, vitamins and lotions). Prescription drugs, forget it. You can always get them in clinics, from doctors, not pharmacists. or (ii)work in the public hospitals. Mind you, even then some of my friends working there complain of being subjected to hierarchy of staffs, doctors being more superior than they are.
You miss all the drama and actions that only doctors have in their work life. But fret not, if you're bored, get into the lab and watch some bacterias.
As general pharmacists, basically all you do is dispense drugs and interaction with patients are limited. To some it's an advantage, for me, as a pharmacist you just lost the main key in treating patients.

MED VS PHARM

2008-04-14T10:53:00.014+08:00

Medicine vs Pharmacy

The battle of two professions in young Rebecca's brain-unfortunately, based on her shallow, imaginative, and illogical reasons...

Why medicine:

Let's talk noble first: Doctors possess the knowledge to save lives, being able to think quickly on the spot on what to do..or at least, something right enough to do. Doctors know how to save, heal, bla bla bla...make the world a better place..bla bla
Academic wise, it's a dynamic combination of chemistry, biology and physics. Learning human body will never bore you, from learning about enzymes to dissecting dead bodies. And talk about exploring them too. Approaching cadavers are already a challenge itself to tickle the fear factor in you. Will never get bored with learning medicine.
The*OooOo...wAaaAa...* factor: Rating from 1-10, the oo-waa from the society towards medical doctors is rated 11. All attention to goes to you, the moment public finds you're a doctor, you're a hero from zero in one nanosecond.
Easy ticket to make good first impression to your parents-in-law-to-be. Whether they'll love you as their own daughter very much depends whether you can cook, wash, dust, and do all other primitive female work...in short, back to pre-historic basics. As for males, all you need to do is dress smart and be gentleman...rest assured, the entire family will love you to the extend they forgot they have a daughter to marry.
Society used to say that doctors will have to work 24-7, practically leaving no time and room for social life. Apart from that, there'll be no space for a good snooze, a proper bed: all work work work. OK, folks. I feel it's the best ever work schedule: Out of routine, always exciting, and never boring. (Blame it on me watching too many ER series..ya ya, call me crazy)
You work in CHAOS. Hospital staffs running around in all sorts directions and speed, patients reeling in and out...there's no where else as mind-boggling as working in ER.
Who needs an elite social life when you have such fun work??
You get to touch patients (not that way, wipe off all your dirty thoughts), directly communicate with them in a more direct assuring manner.
Oooh..not to forget, if you're handsome you can be ANGKASAWAN CUM MODEL TOO.. And when you finally get bored, join the BN team and venture into politics. Who says you must treat patients only? Be creative, don't be shy. Young, hot doctors out there. Do export your beauty and get endorsement from giant health corporations for some vitamins products. Yes, you can even be the next Malaysian Medical Council Idol and beat Jaclyn Victor.

So: why pharmacy?

Its the profession for smart girls. Ok, ok..boys too.

Main stream of pharmacy involves chemistry, something that will never bore you down
Ooo-waaa factor's rating definitely will be lower than medicine, but good enough to make your nose look good.
Doctors have no proper drugs dispensing knowledge. It's true. Thus, pharmacists have important significance in the medical field.
Pharmacists invent drugs. No use able to diagnose but have no cure for it.
Wide range of specialisation field: immunology, clinical pharmacy, food technology, bla bla. If not, just dispense drugs or work with the health ministry.
UK and Australia are open to foreign pharmacists. Not sure if I can say the same for the next few years to come. (Conversion of Sterling and OZ Dollar to Ring-It. is greeeaaat)
Not sure how will it be exciting but I believe pharmacy has a charm of its own.
While my peers all flock in towards medicine, I'd better head for the other way to ease traffic flow. Future partnership with doctors will make my cash register *ka-ching* even more.

Boredom is....

2008-04-14T10:50:00.002+08:00

1) Something very capable of driving me nuts

2) A nightmare return from my adolescent past.

3) Gobbling on me like a lion feasting on a fat, juicy zebra.

4) Worth to be killed. Like in 300 movie, killing mercilessly.

Spot on Blog.

2008-03-31T09:19:00.004+08:00

If you have read my previous blogs on other hosts, the very first thing that pops to your mind when you take a glance at this blog would be: why do I constantly hop around using different hosts and addresses?

It all started with Friendster, mother of web networking; thus in convenience I opted to use its blog service. However, soon it was found that the blog host only provides basic features and cash is required to obtain more sophisticated features, which by other blogs standard is actually basic.
Thus, goodbye to Friendster and hello Windows Space blog. Long story short, despite housing better features, Windows Blog is somehow less eventful and its space for creativity is constricted.

Somehow I am aware that Blogspot's feature is a little complicated for a Simple Sally like me. Diving straight into Blogspot would definitely result in getting lost in the labyrinth of blog features and terms and eventually, the way will never get clear.

I reached to the breaking point when I read Anna's and Howe's blogs-so inspiring, so pretty. That's it. I want to add fun stuffs to my blog too.
Lo, and behold~! My very own blog on Blogspot!