Went to the city... Saw coursemate, let's just call her Cy. I saw her hugging a blonde guy and I guess she was dating him. At that instant, I got transported back straight to the awkward encounter with the guy from SA.
Ugh. Never again.
I also see people of all walks of life around in the city, each with someone special close to savour the moment with.
And then it hit me. That feeling of being lonely. Alone.
Maybe it's Nottingham city. I didn't feel so in London at all.
Ugh.
No more trips to the city anymore for me.
Another iota to my writing
And so it begins. Again. Back in campus before term officially starts and instantly the pool of emotions are brought back to life. Well, not really but memory has its power kick sometimes.
Perhaps you would wonder why would I bother writing on and then off again every now and then. Like some kind of cockroach which just wouldn't give that one last breath after being squashed, drowned, humiliated, hated, ridiculed and die. Or quit. Or give up.
Truth is (brace yourselves, people)....I don't know.
What I do know is I love writing, translating emotions into words with a dash of humour. What? Life can't afford to be that serious, you know? Also what I do know is that my vocabulary and writing capability is also very much limited which explains why am I not writing on an editor's desk instead. So what do you do when you got ample time and lots of ideas running around in your head? A blog, why of course! Genius.
Right.
2 hits per month. Or year? Not to mention I contribute to the hit count too. Can't afford to look bad, you know.
Oops cat out of the bag. And nothing feels any worse than the wave of shame crashing down after admitting to your dirtiest, darkest secret ever.
I'm just gonna bury my head down in the soil like an ostrich now. Forever.
Perhaps you would wonder why would I bother writing on and then off again every now and then. Like some kind of cockroach which just wouldn't give that one last breath after being squashed, drowned, humiliated, hated, ridiculed and die. Or quit. Or give up.
Truth is (brace yourselves, people)....I don't know.
What I do know is I love writing, translating emotions into words with a dash of humour. What? Life can't afford to be that serious, you know? Also what I do know is that my vocabulary and writing capability is also very much limited which explains why am I not writing on an editor's desk instead. So what do you do when you got ample time and lots of ideas running around in your head? A blog, why of course! Genius.
Right.
2 hits per month. Or year? Not to mention I contribute to the hit count too. Can't afford to look bad, you know.
Oops cat out of the bag. And nothing feels any worse than the wave of shame crashing down after admitting to your dirtiest, darkest secret ever.
I'm just gonna bury my head down in the soil like an ostrich now. Forever.
Aftermath
Exam's over. The rush, adrenaline, chase is gone. Finally the time has come to allow things to sink through my mind.
The storm has now subsided, what's left behind is just...heaps of debris. Nothing survived through, all that you worked for is just well, ruins. I have a lot to tell. In fact it would exorcise a thousand demons inside me. The truth is I've been feeling all sorts of emotions at once...anguish, peace, discontentment, joy. All I know for sure is I'm lost but I don't intend to be found.
The storm has now subsided, what's left behind is just...heaps of debris. Nothing survived through, all that you worked for is just well, ruins. I have a lot to tell. In fact it would exorcise a thousand demons inside me. The truth is I've been feeling all sorts of emotions at once...anguish, peace, discontentment, joy. All I know for sure is I'm lost but I don't intend to be found.
why
No one would ever thought it would turn out this way. If I could turn the clock back...I wish I could.
I took him for granted. And even though it wasn't anyone's fault, looking back the way the path had twisted into...I can say it was all my fault. If only, if only.
All I can say is...it's over.
I took him for granted. And even though it wasn't anyone's fault, looking back the way the path had twisted into...I can say it was all my fault. If only, if only.
All I can say is...it's over.
Butterfly Takes Off: is it too late to remind how we were
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSdELZxEnHY&feature=share
Life has many surprising turns
Story of my life. Met a nice orang putih on train. He seemed really interested...even asked me out for coffee. Syok right? After that it's as though I'm a plaque. Must have screwed up somewhere. Fine, it's just a train ride and we're from different places. Apalah. Better if I have not known him at all. How confusing.
Anyway, all along I've stayed devoted and loyal to my boyfriend. However this time there was a temptation to pursue further especially with all the turbulence and turmoil. However after giving another thought, perhaps it was after all the thrill of being wanted and the possibility of escaping my life and start afresh again.
Funny how minds can change so quickly. Just a moment ago I was determined to find my yahkid and now I'm so heavily distracted. Such fragile is the human mind. This time I would like to start right, fix my life rather than abandoning and escape from it. Time to turn my life around.
Anyway, all along I've stayed devoted and loyal to my boyfriend. However this time there was a temptation to pursue further especially with all the turbulence and turmoil. However after giving another thought, perhaps it was after all the thrill of being wanted and the possibility of escaping my life and start afresh again.
Funny how minds can change so quickly. Just a moment ago I was determined to find my yahkid and now I'm so heavily distracted. Such fragile is the human mind. This time I would like to start right, fix my life rather than abandoning and escape from it. Time to turn my life around.
Finding My Yahkid
True...the last few days were rough and turbulent. In those moments when you are not ready to listen to advice, actually those are the time you needed the most. Came across to a podcast by a pastor and it gave a lot of fresh insight to my relationship.
Of course I can't blindly make a decision based on a guy speaking but slowly I can see the direction of path going towards. For now, rather than focusing or fantasizing the ideal of the relationship I should focus on being independent or a wholesome person. Perhaps the mistake was viewing my partner as the other half to fulfil my lack in my life but the truth was being with a partner is not about finding someone to fill our needs. So before committing 100% to this relationship, the wisest choice is to allow the dough to set before baking it. Right now, I would want to look for my yahkid. In greek it means to be wholesome as an individual and find my footing in this world as an individual.
And the part of looking for a suitable partner? Perhaps one day soon I'll be able to decide the best. Let's not rush into a decision, we'll see and time shall tell. =)
Of course I can't blindly make a decision based on a guy speaking but slowly I can see the direction of path going towards. For now, rather than focusing or fantasizing the ideal of the relationship I should focus on being independent or a wholesome person. Perhaps the mistake was viewing my partner as the other half to fulfil my lack in my life but the truth was being with a partner is not about finding someone to fill our needs. So before committing 100% to this relationship, the wisest choice is to allow the dough to set before baking it. Right now, I would want to look for my yahkid. In greek it means to be wholesome as an individual and find my footing in this world as an individual.
And the part of looking for a suitable partner? Perhaps one day soon I'll be able to decide the best. Let's not rush into a decision, we'll see and time shall tell. =)
can u hear me
The only place I can say my thoughts without worrying the possibility of hurting anyone's feelings. Or hearing. So here goes.
This whole long distance relationship thing. All I ever need is to hold on til we meet again. Reset button. In fact a lot like an aspirin after a long headache. Honestly, I don't know how long will I be able to hold on. Either way everyone's going to get hurt. Either way healing is necessary. Lately there's been too much of this.
I wish you could hear the voice deep in me. I love you but why do I feel like I'm drowning? I can't imagine my life without you but why does being with you suffocates? I'm tired of deciding what to do...this time can you decide instead?
This whole long distance relationship thing. All I ever need is to hold on til we meet again. Reset button. In fact a lot like an aspirin after a long headache. Honestly, I don't know how long will I be able to hold on. Either way everyone's going to get hurt. Either way healing is necessary. Lately there's been too much of this.
I wish you could hear the voice deep in me. I love you but why do I feel like I'm drowning? I can't imagine my life without you but why does being with you suffocates? I'm tired of deciding what to do...this time can you decide instead?
Record of my life
Just cried. I just want to say lately I feel like really drowning in this relationship. After all these years it felt like talking to a stranger. Opinions oppose. Views that you can't share. And it's really easier to just cry alone than to struggle to work it out.
Writing again?
I remembered the last time I screamed that way to a guy was actually to my ex. At that point I decided there was no need to try salvage the sinking relationship.
Never would I thought that today I would be doing the same, screaming just as loud. And I really don't know what my next step should be...because the last time I did the same I already cut off the previous relationship. Honestly sometimes it's so much easier, shut it down and not think of it. Done.
In fact, haha it's so much cleaner if I slip away this time- he's from another state, we won't get to meet and seriously, what are the odds of bumping into him in the streets? Simple and easy.
Jokes aside, I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Maybe the tide will come down again. Or maybe the dam will start to show some cracks and eventually blow off.
Or maybe the tide will come down again.
Never would I thought that today I would be doing the same, screaming just as loud. And I really don't know what my next step should be...because the last time I did the same I already cut off the previous relationship. Honestly sometimes it's so much easier, shut it down and not think of it. Done.
In fact, haha it's so much cleaner if I slip away this time- he's from another state, we won't get to meet and seriously, what are the odds of bumping into him in the streets? Simple and easy.
Jokes aside, I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Maybe the tide will come down again. Or maybe the dam will start to show some cracks and eventually blow off.
Or maybe the tide will come down again.
ice cream
three ice cream cones for three days consecutively. i think i gotta stop. its expensive come to think of it. and i might lau sai soon.
sunny day today.
sunny day today.
mayday
I don't know if anyone ever reads this blog again. Well, it does feel good sometimes reading back old memories...reading those posts really take you back down memory lane as if you relive those moments again.
I don't really know how to tell this to anyone; all along there's a constant reminder in my head that I am actually not truly happy. With results showing crap, heavy workload sometimes I really don't know where to vent it all out. All this while I really wish I could go back home and shut the world behind me, not hear a thing. Sit back and actually BREATHE.
This time I feel that this is hard-cold reality in my face rather than an episode of drama. Wish I can just be honest and say "I'm not really ok...can you give me a hug?" I've been burying this feeling deep down and I just hope I can suppress it down til the storm gets over.
I don't really know how to tell this to anyone; all along there's a constant reminder in my head that I am actually not truly happy. With results showing crap, heavy workload sometimes I really don't know where to vent it all out. All this while I really wish I could go back home and shut the world behind me, not hear a thing. Sit back and actually BREATHE.
This time I feel that this is hard-cold reality in my face rather than an episode of drama. Wish I can just be honest and say "I'm not really ok...can you give me a hug?" I've been burying this feeling deep down and I just hope I can suppress it down til the storm gets over.
too late.
When the world compliments on you yet your heart goes out to that one
When he happens to be the only one who don't get to see that
You just have no choice other than to suck it up and you go on to try to fill the gap that can never be filled.
And time? Always the factor which widens the gap into an inconsolable ocean.
When he happens to be the only one who don't get to see that
You just have no choice other than to suck it up and you go on to try to fill the gap that can never be filled.
And time? Always the factor which widens the gap into an inconsolable ocean.
Berdikari = Berdiri di kaki sendiri.
Lightnings do strike. Not just once, twice but thrice.
Three strikes is a wake up call: enough,that's it, I'm done. I'm learning to stand on my own two feet.
Day 1 starts from here.
Three strikes is a wake up call: enough,that's it, I'm done. I'm learning to stand on my own two feet.
Day 1 starts from here.
Learning to hold on.
Seriously you want to know how my life is turning out? Sucked big time.
In movies you would hear adults showing their emo scars they got from high school: how mean those girls were and probably still are, what it felt to be labeled as a freak, yada yada yada and today they are just perfectly normal in a better place.
Fast forward to my so-called adult life, it's a far cry from anything near this hierarchy thingy. Except there are no queen bees and some rugby player; just queens. Or divas.
Looking back, I don't recall my high school being anywhere near that difficult. They don't isolate you simply because they believe you are trying to steal their friends (no, I do not know how on earth that idea came about) nor do they play some dumb cold war simply because you made a decision based on logic and they believed you take sides. Next thing you know, every single memo you send out will translate into either stony silence or some you're-taking-sides-rant.
Or when you realised that you might not that likable by someone it does not equal to hate or loath. It's just I'm keeping a distance to avoid unnecessary friction. Why is it so important for everyone to love you? We like you enough, let's just stick to that.
DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA. If only there's Best Reality Show Storyline in Oscars. At least there's some consolation in it. It takes another pain to forget another I guess. Those wounds I got in college are simply...preliminary to this huge giant black hole.
Or maybe because I am learning to live life in balance; that my degree is not only my ultimate goal. I have a relationship to care of, with a very great guy which I do not ever want to lose because I didn't do enough of my part. I have family. And not to forget I want to pick up on knowing more of God. It simply does not mean I don't care to study. It simply means I don't want to lose other beautiful things in my life for one single goal. That's not sacrifice or compromise...that is simply taking things for granted. And for what? Recognition that probably costs more pain than its supposedly fulfilling reward.
In movies you would hear adults showing their emo scars they got from high school: how mean those girls were and probably still are, what it felt to be labeled as a freak, yada yada yada and today they are just perfectly normal in a better place.
Fast forward to my so-called adult life, it's a far cry from anything near this hierarchy thingy. Except there are no queen bees and some rugby player; just queens. Or divas.
Looking back, I don't recall my high school being anywhere near that difficult. They don't isolate you simply because they believe you are trying to steal their friends (no, I do not know how on earth that idea came about) nor do they play some dumb cold war simply because you made a decision based on logic and they believed you take sides. Next thing you know, every single memo you send out will translate into either stony silence or some you're-taking-sides-rant.
Or when you realised that you might not that likable by someone it does not equal to hate or loath. It's just I'm keeping a distance to avoid unnecessary friction. Why is it so important for everyone to love you? We like you enough, let's just stick to that.
DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA. If only there's Best Reality Show Storyline in Oscars. At least there's some consolation in it. It takes another pain to forget another I guess. Those wounds I got in college are simply...preliminary to this huge giant black hole.
Or maybe because I am learning to live life in balance; that my degree is not only my ultimate goal. I have a relationship to care of, with a very great guy which I do not ever want to lose because I didn't do enough of my part. I have family. And not to forget I want to pick up on knowing more of God. It simply does not mean I don't care to study. It simply means I don't want to lose other beautiful things in my life for one single goal. That's not sacrifice or compromise...that is simply taking things for granted. And for what? Recognition that probably costs more pain than its supposedly fulfilling reward.
Left right fun time.
Speak = not right. Don't speak = not right.
Write = not right. Not write = not right.
Sing = not right. Silent = not right.
Soft = not right. Loud = not right.
Since nothing is right, all that's left is....left.
cool..I don't suppose my English teacher's gonna be proud with this piece of crap writing though..
Write = not right. Not write = not right.
Sing = not right. Silent = not right.
Soft = not right. Loud = not right.
Since nothing is right, all that's left is....left.
cool..I don't suppose my English teacher's gonna be proud with this piece of crap writing though..
I hate it.
I hate it when someone who usually expect others to have high EQ is somehow incapable of to care a tiny wee bit for others' feelings.
Hello. As if my life is easy compared to yours. As if I have no stress like you do. As though I did something to make your life this miserable.
Geez
Hello. As if my life is easy compared to yours. As if I have no stress like you do. As though I did something to make your life this miserable.
Geez
STRESSED
When force is applied, it withstands. When the force exceeds the limits, it breaks.
I'm a glass.
I wish I'm not.
I'm a glass.
I wish I'm not.
Auld Lang Syne
Happy New Year to all~
Sigh. Sadly I shall be celebrating alone~
So if you got the company of your loved ones with you, do remember how lucky you are to walk through those moments that comes only once in your life.
At least I have 2009 with me~ Not for long though.
Happy New Year!!!!
An thers a han, my trustee feer!
an gees a han o thyn!
And we’ll tak a richt gude-willie-waucht,
fir ald lang syn.
Sigh. Sadly I shall be celebrating alone~
So if you got the company of your loved ones with you, do remember how lucky you are to walk through those moments that comes only once in your life.
At least I have 2009 with me~ Not for long though.
Happy New Year!!!!
An thers a han, my trustee feer!
an gees a han o thyn!
And we’ll tak a richt gude-willie-waucht,
fir ald lang syn.