I struggled long for many days. It started long time ago and died halfway. Relapse occured again, and I find it hard to fight it.
I am needy. I depend my happiness a lot on other people.
I put uttermost importance on maintaining relationship. I see it as an neccessity especially in long distance relationship. I wouldn't let the spark and flame die out but the price to pay requires the dance of two individuals, not one.
Today I realised I was the only want who cared to dance to that rhythm.
The other, couldn't keep up.
For the sake of both of us, I would be willing to let it go. Just let go and follow suit. I give up my expectations, my desires. But what if things then falter the more and failure ensues?
Will my heart die out and turn cold without the fuel it needed to go on? Will it be able to see find its way back to love again? Or in the end eventually both of us realised we both drifted so far apart unknowingly?
Which is why the struggled went on and refused to budge-fighting on against the current, believing that this time light will come at the end of the tunnel. I was so afraid, that I will drift away, then I might left him out of knowledge of the important events in my life.
"Just this once more, things will change around". How stupid...swimming against the current of the river. Or trying to shake oil and water to mix together.
What happens next, only time will tell.
Right now, I'll let the current sweep me away and I can only look forward towards independence and strength of my own inner self.
I think I feel lighter now. Perhaps thats the release I need to move on, away from a burden that I brought to myself.
LDR SUCKS. SUCKS. SUCKS.
Menu for the day:
1.HeadacheA feeling of throbbing in the head, which gives general feeling of discomfort accompanied by general servings of BAD TEMPER and POOR FOCUSING.
2.Preparation for tomorrow's classes
A timely consuming process that requires all of your time and concentration, garnished with large amount of sheer stress.
3.Cleaning, chore, cooking
A tedious activity that seem to take eternity and may be subjected to mood swings and level of complexity in the task.
4.Tired
In this menu, focusing and being emotionally available is NOT POSSIBLE.
5.Physically not there
A HARD CORE FAMOUS RECIPE OF LDR HOUSE, A MUST HAVE FOR ALL DINERS OF LDR RESTAURANT.
6.Four or five hours apart. Bonus: One trillion miles apart.
A guarantee to let you have a taste of what LDR is all about.
7.Special dessert: Other engagements
A choice of special gathering or football match or some other trip to somewhere that compliments the main courses perfectly well.
Nice choice.. Pick any: 1,2, or 3?
Combinations are most welcomed . 1+5+4? 2+6+4? These are hot cake sellers. Choose your combo.
Bon appetit.
Hilang
Kali ini aku betul-betul tidak ingin bangkit lagi. Tidak terdaya sama sekali aku ingin berdepan dengan muka realiti yang tiada hentinya mencabar demi mencabar.
Ya, memang aku seorang lemah, pesimis. Memang aku seorang yang bergantung kebahagiaannya atas orang lain, hanya untuk merasai kekecewaan. Memang aku seorang yang naif dan tidak cukup realistik hanya nanti terperangkap dalam idealisme sendiri yang tidak mungkin dapat direalisasikan.
Memang, aku ini seorang yang lemah.
Kini aku lemah bukan sekadar luaran, tapi segala semangat bara aku betul-betul sudah terpadam. Dan terus menjadi abu. Sekadar itu sahaja; aku bukan phoenix yang mampu menolak segala kemungkinan dan bangkit lalu terbang tinggi di langit angkasa. Tidak, abu sahaja yang tinggal tidak lebih dari itu.
Entah bagaimana aku akan terus berdepan dengan hidupku lagi yang hilang makna sama sekali...kecuali untuk familiku yang sanggup menerimaku seadanya dan mencurah kasih sayang padaku tanpa mengharapkan sebarang balasan selain daripada melihat diriku bahagia. Untuk kawan-kawanku, terima kasih banyak banyak atas segala pertolongan dan sokongan padumu.
Dan kerana ini, aku sanggup berjuang lagi dan mampu berdepan dengan muka realiti tetapi aku masih tidak terdaya untuk bangkit, hanya cukup untukku bertahan di tahap aku sekarang.
Tetapi aku tidak dapat balik begitu sahaja; sama sekali dengan menolak realiti dan terus bersembunyi di sebalik lindungan ibu bapaku yang ingin melihatku berdiri dan berdepan dengan hidupku. Tetapi aku betul betul rasa penat lelah, tiada kekuatan yang tinggal dalam diriku.
Makinku tulis, makan banyak yang perlu dibaca...kesimpulannya, aku benar benar terasa hilang arah tuju aku. Usah baca yang lain aku tulis tu.
Ya, memang aku seorang lemah, pesimis. Memang aku seorang yang bergantung kebahagiaannya atas orang lain, hanya untuk merasai kekecewaan. Memang aku seorang yang naif dan tidak cukup realistik hanya nanti terperangkap dalam idealisme sendiri yang tidak mungkin dapat direalisasikan.
Memang, aku ini seorang yang lemah.
Kini aku lemah bukan sekadar luaran, tapi segala semangat bara aku betul-betul sudah terpadam. Dan terus menjadi abu. Sekadar itu sahaja; aku bukan phoenix yang mampu menolak segala kemungkinan dan bangkit lalu terbang tinggi di langit angkasa. Tidak, abu sahaja yang tinggal tidak lebih dari itu.
Entah bagaimana aku akan terus berdepan dengan hidupku lagi yang hilang makna sama sekali...kecuali untuk familiku yang sanggup menerimaku seadanya dan mencurah kasih sayang padaku tanpa mengharapkan sebarang balasan selain daripada melihat diriku bahagia. Untuk kawan-kawanku, terima kasih banyak banyak atas segala pertolongan dan sokongan padumu.
Dan kerana ini, aku sanggup berjuang lagi dan mampu berdepan dengan muka realiti tetapi aku masih tidak terdaya untuk bangkit, hanya cukup untukku bertahan di tahap aku sekarang.
Tetapi aku tidak dapat balik begitu sahaja; sama sekali dengan menolak realiti dan terus bersembunyi di sebalik lindungan ibu bapaku yang ingin melihatku berdiri dan berdepan dengan hidupku. Tetapi aku betul betul rasa penat lelah, tiada kekuatan yang tinggal dalam diriku.
Makinku tulis, makan banyak yang perlu dibaca...kesimpulannya, aku benar benar terasa hilang arah tuju aku. Usah baca yang lain aku tulis tu.
Keperluanku yang tiada ganti
Pada saat-saat begitulah aku mendapati diriku inginkan, perlukan, payahkan bahunya untukku merehatkan kepalaku; apabila dunia ini terasa begitu kejam, pilu, hinggaku tidak tercari apa kata langsung untuk menggambarkan perasaan ini yang teramat sangat.
Pada saat-saat beginilah aku betul-betul memerlukan dia, hanya dia saja, tanpa perlu dia berbuat atau berkata apa-apa kecuali meminjam bahunya yang membawa seribu ketenangan and kegembiraan.
Kini tanpa kehadirannya di sisi aku mendapati diriku tergapai-gapai tanpa dapat mencari satu-satunya yang berjaya mencari kekuatan dalam diriku yang aku tersangka tiada, petunjuk arahku yang aku tidak dapat cari, kebahagiaan yang aku tidak menyangka diriku berhak memiliki.
Kini aku mendapati diriku keseorangan tanpa satu-satunya penawar hati yang pernah berada di sisiku dan rasa hilang ini tak akan pergi selagi aku menemuinya bila ia kembali ke pangkuanku. Sehingga itu, kekallah rasa berat ini yang tidak mungkin dapat aku cari ubat penawarnya.
Pada saat-saat beginilah aku betul-betul memerlukan dia, hanya dia saja, tanpa perlu dia berbuat atau berkata apa-apa kecuali meminjam bahunya yang membawa seribu ketenangan and kegembiraan.
Kini tanpa kehadirannya di sisi aku mendapati diriku tergapai-gapai tanpa dapat mencari satu-satunya yang berjaya mencari kekuatan dalam diriku yang aku tersangka tiada, petunjuk arahku yang aku tidak dapat cari, kebahagiaan yang aku tidak menyangka diriku berhak memiliki.
Kini aku mendapati diriku keseorangan tanpa satu-satunya penawar hati yang pernah berada di sisiku dan rasa hilang ini tak akan pergi selagi aku menemuinya bila ia kembali ke pangkuanku. Sehingga itu, kekallah rasa berat ini yang tidak mungkin dapat aku cari ubat penawarnya.
breathe
I tried, I gave my best, and it doesn't matter at all if they were refused. Everyone has different choices and it doesn't matter at all...and why doesn't it matter?
The answer is simple: it is the welfare that I care for, not the recognition or sense of belonging.
And that sets me even more free and lighter.
The answer is simple: it is the welfare that I care for, not the recognition or sense of belonging.
And that sets me even more free and lighter.
Intentions
I don't need to explain myself;I never feel like I need to. To me, it is the intentions and motives behind every single action and moves that matter most. True, I don't really care to explain myself.
The only reason being me speaking out is because sometimes an incident does not just involve two parties; there are more ingredients involved in the recipe and for that, I do need to clear the air for the sake of the innocent ones.
Perhaps, even the most analytical person has to really look into the eye of another soul, only then decide and judge. Rather than believing that others perceive you as who you present as, perhaps there's more to that. Maybe we thought we're the only one who puts on a mask, a plastered smile that we couldn't distinguish others doing to see that. We just fail to see that.
There's always more behind the smile on the mask in a masquerade, behind the drawn grin of a clown's. There's not only one smile plastered on the face. There are many more who plaster better ones, features so real that you can't tell them apart if its really a smile or frown, joy or despair.
I don't need to explain myself. My intentions were pure and I am at peace.
It is not my habit to poke fun of people purely for the sake of fun and certainly I care for the consequences before I make the next move. Every medal has two sides, each telling different stories. Maybe there's more than that. Perhaps the prank is only the cover or excuse behind something of a deeper meaning.
Perhaps one should try to look at the other side and then only decide and judge for himself.
I shall not say more, because again, I don't have to explain myself and I am at peace.
The only reason being me speaking out is because sometimes an incident does not just involve two parties; there are more ingredients involved in the recipe and for that, I do need to clear the air for the sake of the innocent ones.
Perhaps, even the most analytical person has to really look into the eye of another soul, only then decide and judge. Rather than believing that others perceive you as who you present as, perhaps there's more to that. Maybe we thought we're the only one who puts on a mask, a plastered smile that we couldn't distinguish others doing to see that. We just fail to see that.
There's always more behind the smile on the mask in a masquerade, behind the drawn grin of a clown's. There's not only one smile plastered on the face. There are many more who plaster better ones, features so real that you can't tell them apart if its really a smile or frown, joy or despair.
I don't need to explain myself. My intentions were pure and I am at peace.
It is not my habit to poke fun of people purely for the sake of fun and certainly I care for the consequences before I make the next move. Every medal has two sides, each telling different stories. Maybe there's more than that. Perhaps the prank is only the cover or excuse behind something of a deeper meaning.
Perhaps one should try to look at the other side and then only decide and judge for himself.
I shall not say more, because again, I don't have to explain myself and I am at peace.
post mortem
TREAT THE CAUSE NOT THE SYMPTOM.
Yup...that's right. I have a change in mind. It WAS Pure Crap.
Anyway, the cause of a problem may be rather deep and I am truly only an observer, incapable of much help.
oh well. i rest my case.
Yup...that's right. I have a change in mind. It WAS Pure Crap.
Anyway, the cause of a problem may be rather deep and I am truly only an observer, incapable of much help.
oh well. i rest my case.