LDR SUCKS. SUCKS. SUCKS.

Menu for the day:

1.Headache
A feeling of throbbing in the head, which gives general feeling of discomfort accompanied by general servings of BAD TEMPER and POOR FOCUSING.

2.Preparation for tomorrow's classes
A timely consuming process that requires all of your time and concentration, garnished with large amount of sheer stress.

3.Cleaning, chore, cooking
A tedious activity that seem to take eternity and may be subjected to mood swings and level of complexity in the task.

4.Tired
In this menu, focusing and being emotionally available is NOT POSSIBLE.

5.Physically not there
A HARD CORE FAMOUS RECIPE OF LDR HOUSE, A MUST HAVE FOR ALL DINERS OF LDR RESTAURANT.

6.Four or five hours apart. Bonus: One trillion miles apart.
A guarantee to let you have a taste of what LDR is all about.

7.Special dessert: Other engagements
A choice of special gathering or football match or some other trip to somewhere that compliments the main courses perfectly well.

Nice choice.. Pick any: 1,2, or 3?

Combinations are most welcomed . 1+5+4? 2+6+4? These are hot cake sellers. Choose your combo.

Bon appetit.

Hilang

Kali ini aku betul-betul tidak ingin bangkit lagi. Tidak terdaya sama sekali aku ingin berdepan dengan muka realiti yang tiada hentinya mencabar demi mencabar.

Ya, memang aku seorang lemah, pesimis. Memang aku seorang yang bergantung kebahagiaannya atas orang lain, hanya untuk merasai kekecewaan. Memang aku seorang yang naif dan tidak cukup realistik hanya nanti terperangkap dalam idealisme sendiri yang tidak mungkin dapat direalisasikan.

Memang, aku ini seorang yang lemah.

Kini aku lemah bukan sekadar luaran, tapi segala semangat bara aku betul-betul sudah terpadam. Dan terus menjadi abu. Sekadar itu sahaja; aku bukan phoenix yang mampu menolak segala kemungkinan dan bangkit lalu terbang tinggi di langit angkasa. Tidak, abu sahaja yang tinggal tidak lebih dari itu.

Entah bagaimana aku akan terus berdepan dengan hidupku lagi yang hilang makna sama sekali...kecuali untuk familiku yang sanggup menerimaku seadanya dan mencurah kasih sayang padaku tanpa mengharapkan sebarang balasan selain daripada melihat diriku bahagia. Untuk kawan-kawanku, terima kasih banyak banyak atas segala pertolongan dan sokongan padumu.

Dan kerana ini, aku sanggup berjuang lagi dan mampu berdepan dengan muka realiti tetapi aku masih tidak terdaya untuk bangkit, hanya cukup untukku bertahan di tahap aku sekarang.

Tetapi aku tidak dapat balik begitu sahaja; sama sekali dengan menolak realiti dan terus bersembunyi di sebalik lindungan ibu bapaku yang ingin melihatku berdiri dan berdepan dengan hidupku. Tetapi aku betul betul rasa penat lelah, tiada kekuatan yang tinggal dalam diriku.

Makinku tulis, makan banyak yang perlu dibaca...kesimpulannya, aku benar benar terasa hilang arah tuju aku. Usah baca yang lain aku tulis tu.

Keperluanku yang tiada ganti

Pada saat-saat begitulah aku mendapati diriku inginkan, perlukan, payahkan bahunya untukku merehatkan kepalaku; apabila dunia ini terasa begitu kejam, pilu, hinggaku tidak tercari apa kata langsung untuk menggambarkan perasaan ini yang teramat sangat.

Pada saat-saat beginilah aku betul-betul memerlukan dia, hanya dia saja, tanpa perlu dia berbuat atau berkata apa-apa kecuali meminjam bahunya yang membawa seribu ketenangan and kegembiraan.

Kini tanpa kehadirannya di sisi aku mendapati diriku tergapai-gapai tanpa dapat mencari satu-satunya yang berjaya mencari kekuatan dalam diriku yang aku tersangka tiada, petunjuk arahku yang aku tidak dapat cari, kebahagiaan yang aku tidak menyangka diriku berhak memiliki.

Kini aku mendapati diriku keseorangan tanpa satu-satunya penawar hati yang pernah berada di sisiku dan rasa hilang ini tak akan pergi selagi aku menemuinya bila ia kembali ke pangkuanku. Sehingga itu, kekallah rasa berat ini yang tidak mungkin dapat aku cari ubat penawarnya.

breathe

I tried, I gave my best, and it doesn't matter at all if they were refused. Everyone has different choices and it doesn't matter at all...and why doesn't it matter?

The answer is simple: it is the welfare that I care for, not the recognition or sense of belonging.

And that sets me even more free and lighter.

Intentions

I don't need to explain myself;I never feel like I need to. To me, it is the intentions and motives behind every single action and moves that matter most. True, I don't really care to explain myself.

The only reason being me speaking out is because sometimes an incident does not just involve two parties; there are more ingredients involved in the recipe and for that, I do need to clear the air for the sake of the innocent ones.

Perhaps, even the most analytical person has to really look into the eye of another soul, only then decide and judge. Rather than believing that others perceive you as who you present as, perhaps there's more to that. Maybe we thought we're the only one who puts on a mask, a plastered smile that we couldn't distinguish others doing to see that. We just fail to see that.

There's always more behind the smile on the mask in a masquerade, behind the drawn grin of a clown's. There's not only one smile plastered on the face. There are many more who plaster better ones, features so real that you can't tell them apart if its really a smile or frown, joy or despair.

I don't need to explain myself. My intentions were pure and I am at peace.

It is not my habit to poke fun of people purely for the sake of fun and certainly I care for the consequences before I make the next move. Every medal has two sides, each telling different stories. Maybe there's more than that. Perhaps the prank is only the cover or excuse behind something of a deeper meaning.

Perhaps one should try to look at the other side and then only decide and judge for himself.

I shall not say more, because again, I don't have to explain myself and I am at peace.

post mortem

TREAT THE CAUSE NOT THE SYMPTOM.

Yup...that's right. I have a change in mind. It WAS Pure Crap.

Anyway, the cause of a problem may be rather deep and I am truly only an observer, incapable of much help.

oh well. i rest my case.

Observation

Disclaimer: This post is written from the eye of a mere onlooker, forgive me if my two cents offend a lot..do see it as the tale from the other side of the coin instead.

I don't even know if it's important to even write this piece. Probably to the reader this is a piece of pure crap.

Somehow, I clutch this close at my heart as I DO CARE, only I don't manifest them. Being vulnerable is the last I yearn to be seen as. That's another story.

Anyway...as much as I care, it has not much to do with me, you see. But I feel that I do need to speak out, regardless of how many ears are there ready to listen to my say. Not speaking out for myself, but for those who had no chance to speak out their genuine, caring hearts' content.

If the hat fits, wear it. If you feel this is for you, then it is for you.

When certain circumstances seem to befall on us, many times they are not within our control. The only difference, being pleasant or otherwise. Some fell unexpectedly, some hit the jack pot, not knowing their luck. As some took on the stage, some had to leave. What binds them all is, the circumstances being out of their control.

Some are left wounded, a brave soldier who needs to recuperate. As other mates understand, they tried their best to give what they believe is best to allow to heal. Perhaps they didn't understand what was really needed for the best. Perhaps they didn't know the right word to say, the fitting gesture to give.

Rather than giving the medicine that heals, when a person has a wound what believed to be the cure may aggravate it all together. It is true, an exercise is what humans all need but when sick or wounded, a swim or a jog only makes things worse. Do understand though, everyone tried to give what we believe is best, for our soldier's interest. We tried, and perhaps disappointed.

Perhaps we forced down the medicine we thought would heal.

Adverse drug reaction, some say.

But I truly feel for those who tried so hard, so sincerely to make best way in interest of our fighter's heart; only to be returned with cold shoulders. The one whom they tried to lift up, to give a sense belonging seem to reject them...it only hurts more. And what already hurts was the fact that they were the ones who gave support from the very start and they feel they are now being brushed aside.

But do acknowledge the effort the caring ones gave, the sincerity and care behind their every words and actions.

But then, we do try to look at the other side of the medal; Perhaps the brave soldier needs some time or space,or whatever that's necessary to move on. For that, we're willing to step aside and be patient.

Time shall tell the difference.

I for one am the last one deserving to be such friend- I am standing merely as an observer who seen enough of one side of the coin and trying to understand the other side of it. A coin has two images, you see- each one telling a different story.

Somehow, it's necessary that I speak for those who cared, for those who tried. I care too but not being able to help as I am not fit or qualified to be nursing matrons of the front line.

Again, I am after all, merely stand as an observer.

Perhaps they, and I are not intellectually in the same wavelength as our soldier. Maybe it could be we hurt rather than heal by mistake. Could it be because of our yin and yang? Irreconcilable differences?

Once again, perhaps it is simply time the essence needed to heal. And space being the element that nurtures recovery. Perhaps our brave soldier is doing what is best to come back. And we shall be waiting for the moment.

See it this way: are not created equal or the same. The best way is to speak out, it helps us to see the side that we thought we understand, the side of the coin that we believe is the same as the other. Perhaps whatever I wrote is provoking anger rather than helping at all.

I truly care, but am in no position in this matter. I am not the best to look for, talk to and confide in. I understand my limitations and my faults. My sincere apologies; for not being a good ear, a gentle mouth, a soothing face. Maybe one is yin and the other is yang, which supposedly be good because they balance out each other but rather than balancing, they cancel out each other leaving only a neutral ground; not left nor right.

I don't know, maybe one day fate shall churn us all in one circumstance to teach us a lesson to create a symphony, together side by side. Til then, my best wishes can only come from my heart and hope for the best...for the brave soldier's best interest.

The phoenix rose from its ashes, not from its glory but from the situation that seemed utterly impossible, the quantum of solace.

You can make it, I have faith.