Banyak kali aku berangan dan meluahkan perasaan aku kepada kawan kawan di sisiku tentang bagaimana kami akan menghabiskan masa kami apabila berjumpa:
1. Menyambut kepulangannya ke tanah air di lapangan terbang KLIA
2.Beli sari dgn dia di sekitar Masjid India.
3.Bawa dia siar siar melihat sikitar universiti sambil memberi gambaran hidupku di uni.
4. Menikmati nasi ayam semenyih dan ais kacang broga bersamanya
5. Mendaki bukit broga pada awal subuh dan melihat kecantikan permandangan dari atas bukit
6. Mendengar muzik okestra Malaysia Philharmonic Orchestra di KLCC dengannya
7. Melihat ikan-ikan di Aquaria KLCC
8. Bersiar-siar di sekitar KL.
9. Menikmati jamuan nasi pisang bersamanya.
Sepanjang tahun aku berusaha menghafal jalan di sekitar bandaraya, walaupun aku tidak memandu di KL semata-mata untuk tahu jalan untuk sampai ke destinasi yang dirancang untuk kami pergi bersama apabila kami keluar bersama.
Berkali-kali aku merancang dengan kawan-kawanku supaya mendaki Bukit Broga secara berkumpulan bersama kami berdua.
Setiap kali aku melalui kawasan yang inginku meluangkan masa bersamanya, aku memberitahu diriku supaya tabah kerana dia akan cepat pulang.
Bertapa bodohnya aku mengharapkan sedemikian kerana semua ini tak akan menjadi kenyataan. Lagilah sakit hatiku kerana tempat tempat ini aku kerap lalui dengan pengetahuan bahawa kali ini kami tidak akan berbuat yang sama.
Lebih pilu kerana hari demi hari hati aku melompat gembira kerana dia semakin dekat tarikh balik ke tanah air hanya untuk melepaskan harapan dan impian aku buat masa ini. Sampailah masa kita untuk berjumpa semula, entahlah betapa lama lagi.
Masa dan jarak tidak mengizinkan kami untuk bersama untuk masa yang mencukupi. Lagilah dia sibuk apabila pulang ke tanah air kerana akan sibuk meluangkan masa dengan famili sebagai anak, abang, cucu, dan saudara.
Betapa kecewanya aku hari ini apabila aku melawat India Fair di Midvalley dan mengetahui tahun ini kami tidak akan dapat berbuat yang serupa.
Telah lama aku cuba bersabar sehingga tidak dapat lagi menahan sakit ini yang amat dalam.
Mungkin suatu hari nanti aku akan melupakan kesakitan ini tetapi buat masa ini, hati aku luluh sama sekali. Mungkin ubat terbaik itu masa sendiri.
letting go...in a way
I struggled long for many days. It started long time ago and died halfway. Relapse occured again, and I find it hard to fight it.
I am needy. I depend my happiness a lot on other people.
I put uttermost importance on maintaining relationship. I see it as an neccessity especially in long distance relationship. I wouldn't let the spark and flame die out but the price to pay requires the dance of two individuals, not one.
Today I realised I was the only want who cared to dance to that rhythm.
The other, couldn't keep up.
For the sake of both of us, I would be willing to let it go. Just let go and follow suit. I give up my expectations, my desires. But what if things then falter the more and failure ensues?
Will my heart die out and turn cold without the fuel it needed to go on? Will it be able to see find its way back to love again? Or in the end eventually both of us realised we both drifted so far apart unknowingly?
Which is why the struggled went on and refused to budge-fighting on against the current, believing that this time light will come at the end of the tunnel. I was so afraid, that I will drift away, then I might left him out of knowledge of the important events in my life.
"Just this once more, things will change around". How stupid...swimming against the current of the river. Or trying to shake oil and water to mix together.
What happens next, only time will tell.
Right now, I'll let the current sweep me away and I can only look forward towards independence and strength of my own inner self.
I think I feel lighter now. Perhaps thats the release I need to move on, away from a burden that I brought to myself.
I am needy. I depend my happiness a lot on other people.
I put uttermost importance on maintaining relationship. I see it as an neccessity especially in long distance relationship. I wouldn't let the spark and flame die out but the price to pay requires the dance of two individuals, not one.
Today I realised I was the only want who cared to dance to that rhythm.
The other, couldn't keep up.
For the sake of both of us, I would be willing to let it go. Just let go and follow suit. I give up my expectations, my desires. But what if things then falter the more and failure ensues?
Will my heart die out and turn cold without the fuel it needed to go on? Will it be able to see find its way back to love again? Or in the end eventually both of us realised we both drifted so far apart unknowingly?
Which is why the struggled went on and refused to budge-fighting on against the current, believing that this time light will come at the end of the tunnel. I was so afraid, that I will drift away, then I might left him out of knowledge of the important events in my life.
"Just this once more, things will change around". How stupid...swimming against the current of the river. Or trying to shake oil and water to mix together.
What happens next, only time will tell.
Right now, I'll let the current sweep me away and I can only look forward towards independence and strength of my own inner self.
I think I feel lighter now. Perhaps thats the release I need to move on, away from a burden that I brought to myself.
