Happy New Year to all~
Sigh. Sadly I shall be celebrating alone~
So if you got the company of your loved ones with you, do remember how lucky you are to walk through those moments that comes only once in your life.
At least I have 2009 with me~ Not for long though.
Happy New Year!!!!
An thers a han, my trustee feer!
an gees a han o thyn!
And we’ll tak a richt gude-willie-waucht,
fir ald lang syn.
Again...
Again, it doesn't really matter because when I wake up in the morning to a new day, it will be a thing in the past.
It doesn't matter, because I can always vent away my feelings by writing it away and feel better from there.
And really it doesn't matter because this is not the first time...I will feel good from there.
It doesn't matter, because I can always vent away my feelings by writing it away and feel better from there.
And really it doesn't matter because this is not the first time...I will feel good from there.
Ho ho ho...
I know, I know...this is late but hey, Boxing Day counts too~
MERRY CHRISTMAS...
Seasons Greetings~
MERRY CHRISTMAS...
Seasons Greetings~
Ramblings
I just needed someone to be there for me tonight. Just this night.
That's all.
Even the constants showed their exceptions. I wish my constant dependency would somehow revert to its exception too.
It will eventually be so: when the sun rises and I tell the world it doesn't matter because it really doesn't anymore, because that moment has passed, because fate does not cater to my want, because life is teaching me to convert this void into words.
And I did.
**Randoms of the day: Tesco's Mushroom Soup with Croutons in sachets tastes so ridiculous. Ugh, don't even bother to say anymore.
That's all.
Even the constants showed their exceptions. I wish my constant dependency would somehow revert to its exception too.
It will eventually be so: when the sun rises and I tell the world it doesn't matter because it really doesn't anymore, because that moment has passed, because fate does not cater to my want, because life is teaching me to convert this void into words.
And I did.
**Randoms of the day: Tesco's Mushroom Soup with Croutons in sachets tastes so ridiculous. Ugh, don't even bother to say anymore.
Christopher Columbus on a Life Journey to New Boundaries
Viva La Vida Night 2009 Performance Click over to watch the video.
I guess that's the only way I can show u the video I uploaded. I mean I don't know how to upload into the blog or embed it. Shall learn soon how to.
Anyway, that was performed with the Pharmacy Band. Maybe we should call that band The Pharmacy. Lol. The performance was for Viva La Vida Night- a fund raising event in conjunction of Cervical Cancer Awareness Campaign with MSD.
I'm glad the butterfly chose to fly over to that new place.
Also pardon my bad singing. >.<
I guess that's the only way I can show u the video I uploaded. I mean I don't know how to upload into the blog or embed it. Shall learn soon how to.
Anyway, that was performed with the Pharmacy Band. Maybe we should call that band The Pharmacy. Lol. The performance was for Viva La Vida Night- a fund raising event in conjunction of Cervical Cancer Awareness Campaign with MSD.
I'm glad the butterfly chose to fly over to that new place.
Also pardon my bad singing. >.<
Words of wisdom
To all butterflies out there, fly as far as you can...search all the corners of the earth, fulfill your life and stick to the boundaries that wisdom teaches.
Yes, fly while you still can.
Yes, fly while you still can.
Flight
The butterfly did take off...to another new region. Should I say that Viva La Vida, no matter how small the event was somehow life changing altogether?
Random thoughts..
Silence is not a weapon.
Nor is it a tool of cold war.
Silence is a virtue, capable of saving from countless bloody confrontations.
Silence is comfort, without having to express in any language.
Nor is it a tool of cold war.
Silence is a virtue, capable of saving from countless bloody confrontations.
Silence is comfort, without having to express in any language.
Translation of the heart
Hold me tight
Kiss me right
And whisper "it'll be alright"
Coz' that's all i need
For me to see the light.
Kiss me right
And whisper "it'll be alright"
Coz' that's all i need
For me to see the light.
Chemistry
Chemistry 101:
A glass may be hard but it's brittle. It can withstand force without changing its shape to a certain degree and then....it breaks.
A glass may be hard but it's brittle. It can withstand force without changing its shape to a certain degree and then....it breaks.
SHOOT.
Now....
Since I do care a big deal not to wear on my spikes and hurt your feelings even when there's a reason to, would you kindly please care to treat the same in return?
It's already not easy to care so much for yours while I let aside mine to serve yours.
So, ladies and gentlemen, lay down your whatever weapons of anger and hold your peace because I'm holding mine down here. Shall I fire some guns to show you the difference?
OMG. This post is so emo. Shall stop here and be happy.
Since I do care a big deal not to wear on my spikes and hurt your feelings even when there's a reason to, would you kindly please care to treat the same in return?
It's already not easy to care so much for yours while I let aside mine to serve yours.
So, ladies and gentlemen, lay down your whatever weapons of anger and hold your peace because I'm holding mine down here. Shall I fire some guns to show you the difference?
OMG. This post is so emo. Shall stop here and be happy.
Ouch.
I choose to see towards the light.
Criticism may sometimes or in fact all the time demotivates but in the end it depends on how a person takes it. I choose to grow out of it rather than defeat.
Don't I feel hurt? Of course I do. Hurts even the more when it hits on your accomplishments.
Does it mean I should let it beat me down? No.
Someday I'll come around stronger. For now, I'll hang on until I get there.
Criticism may sometimes or in fact all the time demotivates but in the end it depends on how a person takes it. I choose to grow out of it rather than defeat.
Don't I feel hurt? Of course I do. Hurts even the more when it hits on your accomplishments.
Does it mean I should let it beat me down? No.
Someday I'll come around stronger. For now, I'll hang on until I get there.
No desserts
Supposedly today is free enough for us to meet. Supposedly we carry out our oh-so-juicy plan.
One thing lead to another, now the plan is off. Maybe, tomorrow. Perhaps some other day.
Maybe an ice-cream would cheer me up.
Supposedly I feel something...actually I do. Yet at the same time, it doesn't really sting.
Kind of like ant bite. Ouch but its alright, you know.
I guess the distance is no longer that foreign to me by now.
One thing lead to another, now the plan is off. Maybe, tomorrow. Perhaps some other day.
Maybe an ice-cream would cheer me up. Kind of like ant bite. Ouch but its alright, you know.
I guess the distance is no longer that foreign to me by now.
Sunshine
Good morning, world.
'Tis a wonderful morning to a glorious day! Nothing beats absorbing the free rays from the sun and feel the world is so beautiful.
cantik kan gambar ni? its taken by a malaysian photographer. so proud~
Ok, before everyone gets baffled I shall explain: I GOT NEW CURTAINS! And the cool thing is...it allows the sun to come in.
Isn't that fantastic or what? But it gets kinda hot that I need to shift to my japanese table at the other side of the room if I want to work but can't complain.
This is already so good.
'Tis a wonderful morning to a glorious day! Nothing beats absorbing the free rays from the sun and feel the world is so beautiful.
cantik kan gambar ni? its taken by a malaysian photographer. so proud~
Isn't that fantastic or what? But it gets kinda hot that I need to shift to my japanese table at the other side of the room if I want to work but can't complain.
This is already so good.
Walking on
It seems that the world around me is like a giant sink: gravity plays the major role.
As for me, I choose to defy the pessimism and look ahead for light in the end of the tunnel.
Sometimes the feeling of rejection can be so strongly felt that you start to wonder if you're not smart enough, not beautiful enough, not worth the time. In the end the reason lies not on everyone else but it's in my heart- never mind what other people thinks, I feel great inside.
Someday I'll find the light. For now...well, for now I'll just keep on walking with head held high and keep on walking.
As for me, I choose to defy the pessimism and look ahead for light in the end of the tunnel.
Sometimes the feeling of rejection can be so strongly felt that you start to wonder if you're not smart enough, not beautiful enough, not worth the time. In the end the reason lies not on everyone else but it's in my heart- never mind what other people thinks, I feel great inside.
Someday I'll find the light. For now...well, for now I'll just keep on walking with head held high and keep on walking.
left? right?
I've been there; deep deep down so low that you don't see any traces of light.
And I found myself sinking deep down again. But I guess this time memory serves its purpose and I will try to swim my way up this time.
I shall stop clapping my hand, the other hand is not up to my beat. Yes, it's my life and I shall find my own ways to fill up the void.
C'est la vie~
And I found myself sinking deep down again. But I guess this time memory serves its purpose and I will try to swim my way up this time.
I shall stop clapping my hand, the other hand is not up to my beat. Yes, it's my life and I shall find my own ways to fill up the void.
C'est la vie~
Wrecked.
I returned...on my shield from battle. Was supposed to return with my shield but instead, on my shield.
Let's just say I wore the wrong shoes for battle, ooops I forgot to check my Achilles heel. And yes, I got shot there. Every single time.
I went there in full sail like Titanic and sunk altogether all thanks to an iceberg. 4 long years was what it took to prepare the ship and one night is all it took to sink altogether.
Six solid hours of preparations practically went down the drain all because of one small mistake. Just one wrong step. ONE.
Let's just say I wore the wrong shoes for battle, ooops I forgot to check my Achilles heel. And yes, I got shot there. Every single time.
I went there in full sail like Titanic and sunk altogether all thanks to an iceberg. 4 long years was what it took to prepare the ship and one night is all it took to sink altogether.
Six solid hours of preparations practically went down the drain all because of one small mistake. Just one wrong step. ONE.
Battle jitters
I've never really experienced a real weather storm before like(God forbid) a hurricane, twister or cyclone.
But I'm pretty sure that I can actually feel as what the world calls as the calm before the storm.
Yes, lab practical's tomorrow. Forgive me if I've been too deep into pharmacy but that's life for me at this time. So what if I lose the sense of the real world when there's a battle that holds the potential to rob off the remnant of my sanity and bliss that's holding me from falling apart?
Well, at least I prepared more this time for what's ahead. Armor, check. Helmet, check. Crossbow, check. When all else fails, at least I got the consolation that I tried my best and pat myself on my wounded sore back.
But I'm pretty sure that I can actually feel as what the world calls as the calm before the storm.
Oh ya, baby...blow my hair dry.
No amount of training can ever prepare me for what battle is about to pour out tomorrow. Only God knows how many demons shall be exorcised in 6-hours lab tomorrow. Pure sadism that could potentially make u cry or laugh or both at the same time. Of which only tomorrow shall tell.Yes, lab practical's tomorrow. Forgive me if I've been too deep into pharmacy but that's life for me at this time. So what if I lose the sense of the real world when there's a battle that holds the potential to rob off the remnant of my sanity and bliss that's holding me from falling apart?
Well, at least I prepared more this time for what's ahead. Armor, check. Helmet, check. Crossbow, check. When all else fails, at least I got the consolation that I tried my best and pat myself on my wounded sore back.
SLOW DAY
What a boring day.
No soul to talk to. No movie to watch either. Occasional chat on-line with friends, no other than that. House all empty, all off to elsewhere other than Hell Land.
Look, the entire uni lot is DESERTED.
The quietness is supposed to be the motivation to study but what the heck, I'm more motivated when there're more things to juggle with (no, I don't mean more school work).
Oh wait, there's my mum I can call to.
No soul to talk to. No movie to watch either. Occasional chat on-line with friends, no other than that. House all empty, all off to elsewhere other than Hell Land.
Look, the entire uni lot is DESERTED.Oh wait, there's my mum I can call to.
Patience...
There are somethings in my heart I simply can't translate into words because words seem inadequate or rather my vocabulary failed me. One of the those winds is the heavy feeling down my gut following rejection. Yes, the familiar feeling has returned. The same feeling that reminds you that you are nowhere near perfect or even acceptable, the same feeling that leaves you feeling like an island.
Rather than running off to the solace of my home, this time I know better. Maybe not much better but at least I won't head straight to my shelter.
I have to admit, I did dread to return back here, to the home I never wanted to address. I did wish to stay within the fortress of my consolation, run and hide away from the ugly truth that stings. But here I am, facing the world that seems like never mine.
No, I won't turn back.
History proved that patience is the best virtue.
Once upon a time in my life, there was the worst guy in the whole world. For the interest of the study, we shall call him Cigarette. Dear Mr. Cigarette was a young talented, resourceful, intelligent man whom nearly no one could ever tolerate, lest much to say a person you would come close and confide in. No one in the world except two sweet souls, Salad and Iron who chose to tolerate it all and learn to understand grumpy Mr. Cigar.
Fast forward, Mr. Cigar changed for the better and the world seem to like him. Somehow extraordinary blossomed; Salad and Iron are the only ones that Mr. Cigar would confide with even with all the world's open arms and tender loving care to Cigarette.
Moral of the story, patience has its infinite rewards. From this story, a wonderful special friendship that blossomed out against all odds. It all suddenly hit me; how exactly did a person lose his patience and tolerance completely? All because he lost faith in bullies who succeed to rob him of his faith in humankind, he chose to close his heart out to the world and missed the blessings that the world could offer.
This time I chose to exercise patience with understanding. For all the better reasons, I choose to blossom in this hard soil, no matter how tough life is.
Just like a flower that grew through the cracks of the wall.
Rather than running off to the solace of my home, this time I know better. Maybe not much better but at least I won't head straight to my shelter.
I have to admit, I did dread to return back here, to the home I never wanted to address. I did wish to stay within the fortress of my consolation, run and hide away from the ugly truth that stings. But here I am, facing the world that seems like never mine.
No, I won't turn back.
History proved that patience is the best virtue.
Once upon a time in my life, there was the worst guy in the whole world. For the interest of the study, we shall call him Cigarette. Dear Mr. Cigarette was a young talented, resourceful, intelligent man whom nearly no one could ever tolerate, lest much to say a person you would come close and confide in. No one in the world except two sweet souls, Salad and Iron who chose to tolerate it all and learn to understand grumpy Mr. Cigar.
Fast forward, Mr. Cigar changed for the better and the world seem to like him. Somehow extraordinary blossomed; Salad and Iron are the only ones that Mr. Cigar would confide with even with all the world's open arms and tender loving care to Cigarette.
Moral of the story, patience has its infinite rewards. From this story, a wonderful special friendship that blossomed out against all odds. It all suddenly hit me; how exactly did a person lose his patience and tolerance completely? All because he lost faith in bullies who succeed to rob him of his faith in humankind, he chose to close his heart out to the world and missed the blessings that the world could offer.
This time I chose to exercise patience with understanding. For all the better reasons, I choose to blossom in this hard soil, no matter how tough life is.
Just like a flower that grew through the cracks of the wall.
Who can say where the heart chose? Only time.
As always, academic year starts with a brand new hype and motivation. Energetic and eager, only this time with the intuition that hell's about to break loose anytime but the magnitude of it, i'm not too sure. Thus, I'm more prepared but at the same time, I'm less.
Feels exactly like climbing up the roller coaster, with breath held tight anticipating and dreading at the same time for the plunge.
By the way, I just read the old posts. It's just unbelievable it was the same person wrote the exactly opposite to what she sees today. Or at least at a very different angle. Looking back, I'm pretty certain that time certainly does heal, or at least allows wound to heal. How fast things change altogether.
Well, I guess to turn a coin you have to flip it and no matter how hard u blow, you'll never get to flip it around. And I learnt that acceptance does not come easily, sometimes it takes hard work and patience aplenty to sink in reality and replace dreams that only exist in perfect world.
I think 'tis time I prepare for the storm rather than stand and watch for it.
Feels exactly like climbing up the roller coaster, with breath held tight anticipating and dreading at the same time for the plunge.
By the way, I just read the old posts. It's just unbelievable it was the same person wrote the exactly opposite to what she sees today. Or at least at a very different angle. Looking back, I'm pretty certain that time certainly does heal, or at least allows wound to heal. How fast things change altogether.
Well, I guess to turn a coin you have to flip it and no matter how hard u blow, you'll never get to flip it around. And I learnt that acceptance does not come easily, sometimes it takes hard work and patience aplenty to sink in reality and replace dreams that only exist in perfect world.
I think 'tis time I prepare for the storm rather than stand and watch for it.
pelan romantik yang takkan jadi kenyataan tahun ini
Banyak kali aku berangan dan meluahkan perasaan aku kepada kawan kawan di sisiku tentang bagaimana kami akan menghabiskan masa kami apabila berjumpa:
1. Menyambut kepulangannya ke tanah air di lapangan terbang KLIA
2.Beli sari dgn dia di sekitar Masjid India.
3.Bawa dia siar siar melihat sikitar universiti sambil memberi gambaran hidupku di uni.
4. Menikmati nasi ayam semenyih dan ais kacang broga bersamanya
5. Mendaki bukit broga pada awal subuh dan melihat kecantikan permandangan dari atas bukit
6. Mendengar muzik okestra Malaysia Philharmonic Orchestra di KLCC dengannya
7. Melihat ikan-ikan di Aquaria KLCC
8. Bersiar-siar di sekitar KL.
9. Menikmati jamuan nasi pisang bersamanya.
Sepanjang tahun aku berusaha menghafal jalan di sekitar bandaraya, walaupun aku tidak memandu di KL semata-mata untuk tahu jalan untuk sampai ke destinasi yang dirancang untuk kami pergi bersama apabila kami keluar bersama.
Berkali-kali aku merancang dengan kawan-kawanku supaya mendaki Bukit Broga secara berkumpulan bersama kami berdua.
Setiap kali aku melalui kawasan yang inginku meluangkan masa bersamanya, aku memberitahu diriku supaya tabah kerana dia akan cepat pulang.
Bertapa bodohnya aku mengharapkan sedemikian kerana semua ini tak akan menjadi kenyataan. Lagilah sakit hatiku kerana tempat tempat ini aku kerap lalui dengan pengetahuan bahawa kali ini kami tidak akan berbuat yang sama.
Lebih pilu kerana hari demi hari hati aku melompat gembira kerana dia semakin dekat tarikh balik ke tanah air hanya untuk melepaskan harapan dan impian aku buat masa ini. Sampailah masa kita untuk berjumpa semula, entahlah betapa lama lagi.
Masa dan jarak tidak mengizinkan kami untuk bersama untuk masa yang mencukupi. Lagilah dia sibuk apabila pulang ke tanah air kerana akan sibuk meluangkan masa dengan famili sebagai anak, abang, cucu, dan saudara.
Betapa kecewanya aku hari ini apabila aku melawat India Fair di Midvalley dan mengetahui tahun ini kami tidak akan dapat berbuat yang serupa.
Telah lama aku cuba bersabar sehingga tidak dapat lagi menahan sakit ini yang amat dalam.
Mungkin suatu hari nanti aku akan melupakan kesakitan ini tetapi buat masa ini, hati aku luluh sama sekali. Mungkin ubat terbaik itu masa sendiri.
1. Menyambut kepulangannya ke tanah air di lapangan terbang KLIA
2.Beli sari dgn dia di sekitar Masjid India.
3.Bawa dia siar siar melihat sikitar universiti sambil memberi gambaran hidupku di uni.
4. Menikmati nasi ayam semenyih dan ais kacang broga bersamanya
5. Mendaki bukit broga pada awal subuh dan melihat kecantikan permandangan dari atas bukit
6. Mendengar muzik okestra Malaysia Philharmonic Orchestra di KLCC dengannya
7. Melihat ikan-ikan di Aquaria KLCC
8. Bersiar-siar di sekitar KL.
9. Menikmati jamuan nasi pisang bersamanya.
Sepanjang tahun aku berusaha menghafal jalan di sekitar bandaraya, walaupun aku tidak memandu di KL semata-mata untuk tahu jalan untuk sampai ke destinasi yang dirancang untuk kami pergi bersama apabila kami keluar bersama.
Berkali-kali aku merancang dengan kawan-kawanku supaya mendaki Bukit Broga secara berkumpulan bersama kami berdua.
Setiap kali aku melalui kawasan yang inginku meluangkan masa bersamanya, aku memberitahu diriku supaya tabah kerana dia akan cepat pulang.
Bertapa bodohnya aku mengharapkan sedemikian kerana semua ini tak akan menjadi kenyataan. Lagilah sakit hatiku kerana tempat tempat ini aku kerap lalui dengan pengetahuan bahawa kali ini kami tidak akan berbuat yang sama.
Lebih pilu kerana hari demi hari hati aku melompat gembira kerana dia semakin dekat tarikh balik ke tanah air hanya untuk melepaskan harapan dan impian aku buat masa ini. Sampailah masa kita untuk berjumpa semula, entahlah betapa lama lagi.
Masa dan jarak tidak mengizinkan kami untuk bersama untuk masa yang mencukupi. Lagilah dia sibuk apabila pulang ke tanah air kerana akan sibuk meluangkan masa dengan famili sebagai anak, abang, cucu, dan saudara.
Betapa kecewanya aku hari ini apabila aku melawat India Fair di Midvalley dan mengetahui tahun ini kami tidak akan dapat berbuat yang serupa.
Telah lama aku cuba bersabar sehingga tidak dapat lagi menahan sakit ini yang amat dalam.
Mungkin suatu hari nanti aku akan melupakan kesakitan ini tetapi buat masa ini, hati aku luluh sama sekali. Mungkin ubat terbaik itu masa sendiri.
letting go...in a way
I struggled long for many days. It started long time ago and died halfway. Relapse occured again, and I find it hard to fight it.
I am needy. I depend my happiness a lot on other people.
I put uttermost importance on maintaining relationship. I see it as an neccessity especially in long distance relationship. I wouldn't let the spark and flame die out but the price to pay requires the dance of two individuals, not one.
Today I realised I was the only want who cared to dance to that rhythm.
The other, couldn't keep up.
For the sake of both of us, I would be willing to let it go. Just let go and follow suit. I give up my expectations, my desires. But what if things then falter the more and failure ensues?
Will my heart die out and turn cold without the fuel it needed to go on? Will it be able to see find its way back to love again? Or in the end eventually both of us realised we both drifted so far apart unknowingly?
Which is why the struggled went on and refused to budge-fighting on against the current, believing that this time light will come at the end of the tunnel. I was so afraid, that I will drift away, then I might left him out of knowledge of the important events in my life.
"Just this once more, things will change around". How stupid...swimming against the current of the river. Or trying to shake oil and water to mix together.
What happens next, only time will tell.
Right now, I'll let the current sweep me away and I can only look forward towards independence and strength of my own inner self.
I think I feel lighter now. Perhaps thats the release I need to move on, away from a burden that I brought to myself.
I am needy. I depend my happiness a lot on other people.
I put uttermost importance on maintaining relationship. I see it as an neccessity especially in long distance relationship. I wouldn't let the spark and flame die out but the price to pay requires the dance of two individuals, not one.
Today I realised I was the only want who cared to dance to that rhythm.
The other, couldn't keep up.
For the sake of both of us, I would be willing to let it go. Just let go and follow suit. I give up my expectations, my desires. But what if things then falter the more and failure ensues?
Will my heart die out and turn cold without the fuel it needed to go on? Will it be able to see find its way back to love again? Or in the end eventually both of us realised we both drifted so far apart unknowingly?
Which is why the struggled went on and refused to budge-fighting on against the current, believing that this time light will come at the end of the tunnel. I was so afraid, that I will drift away, then I might left him out of knowledge of the important events in my life.
"Just this once more, things will change around". How stupid...swimming against the current of the river. Or trying to shake oil and water to mix together.
What happens next, only time will tell.
Right now, I'll let the current sweep me away and I can only look forward towards independence and strength of my own inner self.
I think I feel lighter now. Perhaps thats the release I need to move on, away from a burden that I brought to myself.
LDR SUCKS. SUCKS. SUCKS.
Menu for the day:
1.HeadacheA feeling of throbbing in the head, which gives general feeling of discomfort accompanied by general servings of BAD TEMPER and POOR FOCUSING.
2.Preparation for tomorrow's classes
A timely consuming process that requires all of your time and concentration, garnished with large amount of sheer stress.
3.Cleaning, chore, cooking
A tedious activity that seem to take eternity and may be subjected to mood swings and level of complexity in the task.
4.Tired
In this menu, focusing and being emotionally available is NOT POSSIBLE.
5.Physically not there
A HARD CORE FAMOUS RECIPE OF LDR HOUSE, A MUST HAVE FOR ALL DINERS OF LDR RESTAURANT.
6.Four or five hours apart. Bonus: One trillion miles apart.
A guarantee to let you have a taste of what LDR is all about.
7.Special dessert: Other engagements
A choice of special gathering or football match or some other trip to somewhere that compliments the main courses perfectly well.
Nice choice.. Pick any: 1,2, or 3?
Combinations are most welcomed . 1+5+4? 2+6+4? These are hot cake sellers. Choose your combo.
Bon appetit.
Hilang
Kali ini aku betul-betul tidak ingin bangkit lagi. Tidak terdaya sama sekali aku ingin berdepan dengan muka realiti yang tiada hentinya mencabar demi mencabar.
Ya, memang aku seorang lemah, pesimis. Memang aku seorang yang bergantung kebahagiaannya atas orang lain, hanya untuk merasai kekecewaan. Memang aku seorang yang naif dan tidak cukup realistik hanya nanti terperangkap dalam idealisme sendiri yang tidak mungkin dapat direalisasikan.
Memang, aku ini seorang yang lemah.
Kini aku lemah bukan sekadar luaran, tapi segala semangat bara aku betul-betul sudah terpadam. Dan terus menjadi abu. Sekadar itu sahaja; aku bukan phoenix yang mampu menolak segala kemungkinan dan bangkit lalu terbang tinggi di langit angkasa. Tidak, abu sahaja yang tinggal tidak lebih dari itu.
Entah bagaimana aku akan terus berdepan dengan hidupku lagi yang hilang makna sama sekali...kecuali untuk familiku yang sanggup menerimaku seadanya dan mencurah kasih sayang padaku tanpa mengharapkan sebarang balasan selain daripada melihat diriku bahagia. Untuk kawan-kawanku, terima kasih banyak banyak atas segala pertolongan dan sokongan padumu.
Dan kerana ini, aku sanggup berjuang lagi dan mampu berdepan dengan muka realiti tetapi aku masih tidak terdaya untuk bangkit, hanya cukup untukku bertahan di tahap aku sekarang.
Tetapi aku tidak dapat balik begitu sahaja; sama sekali dengan menolak realiti dan terus bersembunyi di sebalik lindungan ibu bapaku yang ingin melihatku berdiri dan berdepan dengan hidupku. Tetapi aku betul betul rasa penat lelah, tiada kekuatan yang tinggal dalam diriku.
Makinku tulis, makan banyak yang perlu dibaca...kesimpulannya, aku benar benar terasa hilang arah tuju aku. Usah baca yang lain aku tulis tu.
Ya, memang aku seorang lemah, pesimis. Memang aku seorang yang bergantung kebahagiaannya atas orang lain, hanya untuk merasai kekecewaan. Memang aku seorang yang naif dan tidak cukup realistik hanya nanti terperangkap dalam idealisme sendiri yang tidak mungkin dapat direalisasikan.
Memang, aku ini seorang yang lemah.
Kini aku lemah bukan sekadar luaran, tapi segala semangat bara aku betul-betul sudah terpadam. Dan terus menjadi abu. Sekadar itu sahaja; aku bukan phoenix yang mampu menolak segala kemungkinan dan bangkit lalu terbang tinggi di langit angkasa. Tidak, abu sahaja yang tinggal tidak lebih dari itu.
Entah bagaimana aku akan terus berdepan dengan hidupku lagi yang hilang makna sama sekali...kecuali untuk familiku yang sanggup menerimaku seadanya dan mencurah kasih sayang padaku tanpa mengharapkan sebarang balasan selain daripada melihat diriku bahagia. Untuk kawan-kawanku, terima kasih banyak banyak atas segala pertolongan dan sokongan padumu.
Dan kerana ini, aku sanggup berjuang lagi dan mampu berdepan dengan muka realiti tetapi aku masih tidak terdaya untuk bangkit, hanya cukup untukku bertahan di tahap aku sekarang.
Tetapi aku tidak dapat balik begitu sahaja; sama sekali dengan menolak realiti dan terus bersembunyi di sebalik lindungan ibu bapaku yang ingin melihatku berdiri dan berdepan dengan hidupku. Tetapi aku betul betul rasa penat lelah, tiada kekuatan yang tinggal dalam diriku.
Makinku tulis, makan banyak yang perlu dibaca...kesimpulannya, aku benar benar terasa hilang arah tuju aku. Usah baca yang lain aku tulis tu.
Keperluanku yang tiada ganti
Pada saat-saat begitulah aku mendapati diriku inginkan, perlukan, payahkan bahunya untukku merehatkan kepalaku; apabila dunia ini terasa begitu kejam, pilu, hinggaku tidak tercari apa kata langsung untuk menggambarkan perasaan ini yang teramat sangat.
Pada saat-saat beginilah aku betul-betul memerlukan dia, hanya dia saja, tanpa perlu dia berbuat atau berkata apa-apa kecuali meminjam bahunya yang membawa seribu ketenangan and kegembiraan.
Kini tanpa kehadirannya di sisi aku mendapati diriku tergapai-gapai tanpa dapat mencari satu-satunya yang berjaya mencari kekuatan dalam diriku yang aku tersangka tiada, petunjuk arahku yang aku tidak dapat cari, kebahagiaan yang aku tidak menyangka diriku berhak memiliki.
Kini aku mendapati diriku keseorangan tanpa satu-satunya penawar hati yang pernah berada di sisiku dan rasa hilang ini tak akan pergi selagi aku menemuinya bila ia kembali ke pangkuanku. Sehingga itu, kekallah rasa berat ini yang tidak mungkin dapat aku cari ubat penawarnya.
Pada saat-saat beginilah aku betul-betul memerlukan dia, hanya dia saja, tanpa perlu dia berbuat atau berkata apa-apa kecuali meminjam bahunya yang membawa seribu ketenangan and kegembiraan.
Kini tanpa kehadirannya di sisi aku mendapati diriku tergapai-gapai tanpa dapat mencari satu-satunya yang berjaya mencari kekuatan dalam diriku yang aku tersangka tiada, petunjuk arahku yang aku tidak dapat cari, kebahagiaan yang aku tidak menyangka diriku berhak memiliki.
Kini aku mendapati diriku keseorangan tanpa satu-satunya penawar hati yang pernah berada di sisiku dan rasa hilang ini tak akan pergi selagi aku menemuinya bila ia kembali ke pangkuanku. Sehingga itu, kekallah rasa berat ini yang tidak mungkin dapat aku cari ubat penawarnya.
breathe
I tried, I gave my best, and it doesn't matter at all if they were refused. Everyone has different choices and it doesn't matter at all...and why doesn't it matter?
The answer is simple: it is the welfare that I care for, not the recognition or sense of belonging.
And that sets me even more free and lighter.
The answer is simple: it is the welfare that I care for, not the recognition or sense of belonging.
And that sets me even more free and lighter.
Intentions
I don't need to explain myself;I never feel like I need to. To me, it is the intentions and motives behind every single action and moves that matter most. True, I don't really care to explain myself.
The only reason being me speaking out is because sometimes an incident does not just involve two parties; there are more ingredients involved in the recipe and for that, I do need to clear the air for the sake of the innocent ones.
Perhaps, even the most analytical person has to really look into the eye of another soul, only then decide and judge. Rather than believing that others perceive you as who you present as, perhaps there's more to that. Maybe we thought we're the only one who puts on a mask, a plastered smile that we couldn't distinguish others doing to see that. We just fail to see that.
There's always more behind the smile on the mask in a masquerade, behind the drawn grin of a clown's. There's not only one smile plastered on the face. There are many more who plaster better ones, features so real that you can't tell them apart if its really a smile or frown, joy or despair.
I don't need to explain myself. My intentions were pure and I am at peace.
It is not my habit to poke fun of people purely for the sake of fun and certainly I care for the consequences before I make the next move. Every medal has two sides, each telling different stories. Maybe there's more than that. Perhaps the prank is only the cover or excuse behind something of a deeper meaning.
Perhaps one should try to look at the other side and then only decide and judge for himself.
I shall not say more, because again, I don't have to explain myself and I am at peace.
The only reason being me speaking out is because sometimes an incident does not just involve two parties; there are more ingredients involved in the recipe and for that, I do need to clear the air for the sake of the innocent ones.
Perhaps, even the most analytical person has to really look into the eye of another soul, only then decide and judge. Rather than believing that others perceive you as who you present as, perhaps there's more to that. Maybe we thought we're the only one who puts on a mask, a plastered smile that we couldn't distinguish others doing to see that. We just fail to see that.
There's always more behind the smile on the mask in a masquerade, behind the drawn grin of a clown's. There's not only one smile plastered on the face. There are many more who plaster better ones, features so real that you can't tell them apart if its really a smile or frown, joy or despair.
I don't need to explain myself. My intentions were pure and I am at peace.
It is not my habit to poke fun of people purely for the sake of fun and certainly I care for the consequences before I make the next move. Every medal has two sides, each telling different stories. Maybe there's more than that. Perhaps the prank is only the cover or excuse behind something of a deeper meaning.
Perhaps one should try to look at the other side and then only decide and judge for himself.
I shall not say more, because again, I don't have to explain myself and I am at peace.
post mortem
TREAT THE CAUSE NOT THE SYMPTOM.
Yup...that's right. I have a change in mind. It WAS Pure Crap.
Anyway, the cause of a problem may be rather deep and I am truly only an observer, incapable of much help.
oh well. i rest my case.
Yup...that's right. I have a change in mind. It WAS Pure Crap.
Anyway, the cause of a problem may be rather deep and I am truly only an observer, incapable of much help.
oh well. i rest my case.
Observation
Disclaimer: This post is written from the eye of a mere onlooker, forgive me if my two cents offend a lot..do see it as the tale from the other side of the coin instead.
I don't even know if it's important to even write this piece. Probably to the reader this is a piece of pure crap.
Somehow, I clutch this close at my heart as I DO CARE, only I don't manifest them. Being vulnerable is the last I yearn to be seen as. That's another story.
Anyway...as much as I care, it has not much to do with me, you see. But I feel that I do need to speak out, regardless of how many ears are there ready to listen to my say. Not speaking out for myself, but for those who had no chance to speak out their genuine, caring hearts' content.
If the hat fits, wear it. If you feel this is for you, then it is for you.
When certain circumstances seem to befall on us, many times they are not within our control. The only difference, being pleasant or otherwise. Some fell unexpectedly, some hit the jack pot, not knowing their luck. As some took on the stage, some had to leave. What binds them all is, the circumstances being out of their control.
Some are left wounded, a brave soldier who needs to recuperate. As other mates understand, they tried their best to give what they believe is best to allow to heal. Perhaps they didn't understand what was really needed for the best. Perhaps they didn't know the right word to say, the fitting gesture to give.
Rather than giving the medicine that heals, when a person has a wound what believed to be the cure may aggravate it all together. It is true, an exercise is what humans all need but when sick or wounded, a swim or a jog only makes things worse. Do understand though, everyone tried to give what we believe is best, for our soldier's interest. We tried, and perhaps disappointed.
Perhaps we forced down the medicine we thought would heal.
Adverse drug reaction, some say.
But I truly feel for those who tried so hard, so sincerely to make best way in interest of our fighter's heart; only to be returned with cold shoulders. The one whom they tried to lift up, to give a sense belonging seem to reject them...it only hurts more. And what already hurts was the fact that they were the ones who gave support from the very start and they feel they are now being brushed aside.
But do acknowledge the effort the caring ones gave, the sincerity and care behind their every words and actions.
But then, we do try to look at the other side of the medal; Perhaps the brave soldier needs some time or space,or whatever that's necessary to move on. For that, we're willing to step aside and be patient.
Time shall tell the difference.
I for one am the last one deserving to be such friend- I am standing merely as an observer who seen enough of one side of the coin and trying to understand the other side of it. A coin has two images, you see- each one telling a different story.
Somehow, it's necessary that I speak for those who cared, for those who tried. I care too but not being able to help as I am not fit or qualified to be nursing matrons of the front line.
Again, I am after all, merely stand as an observer.
Perhaps they, and I are not intellectually in the same wavelength as our soldier. Maybe it could be we hurt rather than heal by mistake. Could it be because of our yin and yang? Irreconcilable differences?
Once again, perhaps it is simply time the essence needed to heal. And space being the element that nurtures recovery. Perhaps our brave soldier is doing what is best to come back. And we shall be waiting for the moment.
See it this way: are not created equal or the same. The best way is to speak out, it helps us to see the side that we thought we understand, the side of the coin that we believe is the same as the other. Perhaps whatever I wrote is provoking anger rather than helping at all.
I truly care, but am in no position in this matter. I am not the best to look for, talk to and confide in. I understand my limitations and my faults. My sincere apologies; for not being a good ear, a gentle mouth, a soothing face. Maybe one is yin and the other is yang, which supposedly be good because they balance out each other but rather than balancing, they cancel out each other leaving only a neutral ground; not left nor right.
I don't know, maybe one day fate shall churn us all in one circumstance to teach us a lesson to create a symphony, together side by side. Til then, my best wishes can only come from my heart and hope for the best...for the brave soldier's best interest.
The phoenix rose from its ashes, not from its glory but from the situation that seemed utterly impossible, the quantum of solace.
You can make it, I have faith.
I don't even know if it's important to even write this piece. Probably to the reader this is a piece of pure crap.
Somehow, I clutch this close at my heart as I DO CARE, only I don't manifest them. Being vulnerable is the last I yearn to be seen as. That's another story.
Anyway...as much as I care, it has not much to do with me, you see. But I feel that I do need to speak out, regardless of how many ears are there ready to listen to my say. Not speaking out for myself, but for those who had no chance to speak out their genuine, caring hearts' content.
If the hat fits, wear it. If you feel this is for you, then it is for you.
When certain circumstances seem to befall on us, many times they are not within our control. The only difference, being pleasant or otherwise. Some fell unexpectedly, some hit the jack pot, not knowing their luck. As some took on the stage, some had to leave. What binds them all is, the circumstances being out of their control.
Some are left wounded, a brave soldier who needs to recuperate. As other mates understand, they tried their best to give what they believe is best to allow to heal. Perhaps they didn't understand what was really needed for the best. Perhaps they didn't know the right word to say, the fitting gesture to give.
Rather than giving the medicine that heals, when a person has a wound what believed to be the cure may aggravate it all together. It is true, an exercise is what humans all need but when sick or wounded, a swim or a jog only makes things worse. Do understand though, everyone tried to give what we believe is best, for our soldier's interest. We tried, and perhaps disappointed.
Perhaps we forced down the medicine we thought would heal.
Adverse drug reaction, some say.
But I truly feel for those who tried so hard, so sincerely to make best way in interest of our fighter's heart; only to be returned with cold shoulders. The one whom they tried to lift up, to give a sense belonging seem to reject them...it only hurts more. And what already hurts was the fact that they were the ones who gave support from the very start and they feel they are now being brushed aside.
But do acknowledge the effort the caring ones gave, the sincerity and care behind their every words and actions.
But then, we do try to look at the other side of the medal; Perhaps the brave soldier needs some time or space,or whatever that's necessary to move on. For that, we're willing to step aside and be patient.
Time shall tell the difference.
I for one am the last one deserving to be such friend- I am standing merely as an observer who seen enough of one side of the coin and trying to understand the other side of it. A coin has two images, you see- each one telling a different story.
Somehow, it's necessary that I speak for those who cared, for those who tried. I care too but not being able to help as I am not fit or qualified to be nursing matrons of the front line.
Again, I am after all, merely stand as an observer.
Perhaps they, and I are not intellectually in the same wavelength as our soldier. Maybe it could be we hurt rather than heal by mistake. Could it be because of our yin and yang? Irreconcilable differences?
Once again, perhaps it is simply time the essence needed to heal. And space being the element that nurtures recovery. Perhaps our brave soldier is doing what is best to come back. And we shall be waiting for the moment.
See it this way: are not created equal or the same. The best way is to speak out, it helps us to see the side that we thought we understand, the side of the coin that we believe is the same as the other. Perhaps whatever I wrote is provoking anger rather than helping at all.
I truly care, but am in no position in this matter. I am not the best to look for, talk to and confide in. I understand my limitations and my faults. My sincere apologies; for not being a good ear, a gentle mouth, a soothing face. Maybe one is yin and the other is yang, which supposedly be good because they balance out each other but rather than balancing, they cancel out each other leaving only a neutral ground; not left nor right.
I don't know, maybe one day fate shall churn us all in one circumstance to teach us a lesson to create a symphony, together side by side. Til then, my best wishes can only come from my heart and hope for the best...for the brave soldier's best interest.
The phoenix rose from its ashes, not from its glory but from the situation that seemed utterly impossible, the quantum of solace.
You can make it, I have faith.
Forget what's behind
Every time those words ruin my day, every time the tone demotivates, every time the sentences break my spirit, every time when it seems hopeless John Lennon comes into my mind with his song Jealous Guy.
For that I'm willing to drop all my feelings and let it go, with all the hurt and pain behind...no trace.
For that I'm willing to drop all my feelings and let it go, with all the hurt and pain behind...no trace.
Choices
It all comes down to one question: What do you want?
I come to a point where I face this question and have no answer in turn. When I don't get the attention I wish for, my moods take a nose dive and hit bottom crash. Hard.
Really, I wonder...is it truly his love that I'm hungry for? Or is it plainly I thirst after attention on me? Which do I take? If it's really his love then why does my rationale refuses to understand his situations, that he has his needs and other priorities, and I can't just insist on being his focus all the time?
If it's not, then am I being selfish? If it's only my need for attention, then why must it be only from him, not other company in my life?
And why would I still continue to rely my happiness solely on him? Why wouldn't I try to look for inner joy on my own and then only search for added happiness from him?
It all comes down to one question: What is it that I want?
I can only choose one answer and each answer gives a path that gives different lives to lead.
I choose to love and to cherish him instead.
I come to a point where I face this question and have no answer in turn. When I don't get the attention I wish for, my moods take a nose dive and hit bottom crash. Hard.
Really, I wonder...is it truly his love that I'm hungry for? Or is it plainly I thirst after attention on me? Which do I take? If it's really his love then why does my rationale refuses to understand his situations, that he has his needs and other priorities, and I can't just insist on being his focus all the time?
If it's not, then am I being selfish? If it's only my need for attention, then why must it be only from him, not other company in my life?
And why would I still continue to rely my happiness solely on him? Why wouldn't I try to look for inner joy on my own and then only search for added happiness from him?
It all comes down to one question: What is it that I want?
I can only choose one answer and each answer gives a path that gives different lives to lead.
I choose to love and to cherish him instead.
stoned
Sometimes it seems really undeserving when all day you're in cloud nine but just that one sentence spoken in a very lousy tone simply shatters your day. Like a stone hitting right through the window.
I was really soaring high in the skies and before you know it, I lost my wings.
I survived through practical sessions today, scathed and battered. But no, I wasn't even an inch close to being emo while some others gave faces that exorcised a thousand demons. In fact, I felt still great.
I survived through the deprivation of TGIF and still felt its fine. Just an afternoon and a weekend off to finish up reports..I still have another 51 more in a year to enjoy, doesn't matter.
Sigh...but just that one sentence of disapproval simply turns my world outside down. Feeling emo? Check. Down? Check. Loss motivation? Check.
I lost it. The momentum is gone. All I have left is the cruel reminder of the harsh, cold reality that slaps me hard on the face, stripping me off the only sense of hope to keep me going.
And that's all that's left.
I was really soaring high in the skies and before you know it, I lost my wings.
I survived through practical sessions today, scathed and battered. But no, I wasn't even an inch close to being emo while some others gave faces that exorcised a thousand demons. In fact, I felt still great.
I survived through the deprivation of TGIF and still felt its fine. Just an afternoon and a weekend off to finish up reports..I still have another 51 more in a year to enjoy, doesn't matter.
Sigh...but just that one sentence of disapproval simply turns my world outside down. Feeling emo? Check. Down? Check. Loss motivation? Check.
I lost it. The momentum is gone. All I have left is the cruel reminder of the harsh, cold reality that slaps me hard on the face, stripping me off the only sense of hope to keep me going.
And that's all that's left.
I'm still alive and kicking
Hello, world. Testing, testing, one two three...can you hear me?
After a long comma (in writing, not my physical health), i believe it's time to resuscitate my love for writing(craps) again.
Long story short, life has proved to be easier and tougher along the way...the path that I trod on is now smoother but proves to be pretty slippery too. One *oops* and you'll fall. Hard.
As for writing or rather typing,the inspiration or actually, the skill that's necessary to compose a post has definitely slumped altogether...in fact, came to a total full stop. But then again, we all need to start somewhere don't we? So then again, life goes on from...here? Actually I'm still living my life the best I can. Only I didn't write them into words and post them into the web.
Well, more to pour out with plenty of useless facts to flog your brain with lame, over exaggerated remarks.
Don't say I didn't warn you of bad posts from here. That's all folks!
After a long comma (in writing, not my physical health), i believe it's time to resuscitate my love for writing(craps) again.
Long story short, life has proved to be easier and tougher along the way...the path that I trod on is now smoother but proves to be pretty slippery too. One *oops* and you'll fall. Hard.
As for writing or rather typing,the inspiration or actually, the skill that's necessary to compose a post has definitely slumped altogether...in fact, came to a total full stop. But then again, we all need to start somewhere don't we? So then again, life goes on from...here? Actually I'm still living my life the best I can. Only I didn't write them into words and post them into the web.
Well, more to pour out with plenty of useless facts to flog your brain with lame, over exaggerated remarks.
Don't say I didn't warn you of bad posts from here. That's all folks!