letting go...in a way

I struggled long for many days. It started long time ago and died halfway. Relapse occured again, and I find it hard to fight it.

I am needy. I depend my happiness a lot on other people.

I put uttermost importance on maintaining relationship. I see it as an neccessity especially in long distance relationship. I wouldn't let the spark and flame die out but the price to pay requires the dance of two individuals, not one.

Today I realised I was the only want who cared to dance to that rhythm.

The other, couldn't keep up.


For the sake of both of us, I would be willing to let it go. Just let go and follow suit. I give up my expectations, my desires. But what if things then falter the more and failure ensues?

Will my heart die out and turn cold without the fuel it needed to go on? Will it be able to see find its way back to love again? Or in the end eventually both of us realised we both drifted so far apart unknowingly?

Which is why the struggled went on and refused to budge-fighting on against the current, believing that this time light will come at the end of the tunnel. I was so afraid, that I will drift away, then I might left him out of knowledge of the important events in my life.

"Just this once more, things will change around". How stupid...swimming against the current of the river. Or trying to shake oil and water to mix together.

What happens next, only time will tell.

Right now, I'll let the current sweep me away and I can only look forward towards independence and strength of my own inner self.

I think I feel lighter now. Perhaps thats the release I need to move on, away from a burden that I brought to myself.